Sons of the Shepherd

  Confusion      Last winter I was shopping at Wal-Mart when all of a sudden something struck me.  I forgot why I was there.  I drew a total blank.  I knew I was there to shop, but what for I had no idea.  To complicate matters I forgot which door I came through and where I parked my car.  I was totally confused.  Sadly this has become a part of my normal life and I haven't quite unlocked how to fix it.  I forget to text, I have forgotten to pay bills, I have missed appointments, and there is probably a long list of things that I have neglected regarding my job.  It is so extremely difficult to focus.  I have adopted using a calendar and alarms, but even those aren't adequate.  There are times when my alarm goes off and I have no idea why I set the alarm.  It's extremely frustrating because my current ministry is extremely demanding and I know that my grief has stolen my sharp mind that used to never forget a sin...

  What Really Matters “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”  Psalm 90:12        Twenty plus years ago my music of choice was rock and roll.  I know for many of you that might sound a little out of place for me.  But I loved bands like Metallica, NIN, Tool, etc.  The louder the music was, the better. One of my favorite bands in my high school years was Linkin Park. Their most iconic song was "In the End."  The song didn't ring with optimism, a matter of fact, looking back, it was a terribly depressing song.  It focuses on futility, an overarching dense of disappointment, and failed relationships.  It wasn't a song that you listened to when you felt good, it was a song that you listened to when you felt depressed.  The chorus went "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter.  I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end, it doesn't even matter."  That melan...

  When Faith Feels Fragile “A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out…” — Matthew 12:20       A few years ago Tiffanie was updating our kitchen and she ordered new dishes.  She was so excited to get them in the mail.  She tracked that package for days.  When it arrived the outside of the box had the word "FRAGILE" in bold red letters.  As soon as we picked up the package we were aware that someone clearly didn't read the box or didn't quite understand what the word fragile meant.  The majority of the dishes were shattered into pieces.  We couldn't tell what was a dinner plate, dessert plate, bowl, or mug.  Fragile things are easily broken and need to be handled with great care.       Grief often causes a tension in our lives.  It causes our faith to be pulled in two different directions.  It's like a proverbial tug of war that each griever feels.  Some of you can prob...

  The Garden – When New Life Begins to Bloom       Grief often feels like scorched earth, like life has been burned to the ground, leaving nothing but ashes.  Those once fruitful fields, bearing joy and happiness are laid waste to nothing.  Ashes replace where joy once sprouted.  The smell of smoke and decay fills your nostrils, almost making you sick. Your path is now one laid in memories.  As a widower, I've walked through those charred places of my heart, wondering if anything beautiful could ever grow again. I felt this preemptively as I watched my precious wife fight cancer.  Imagine being a farmer, watching your crops die but knowing that there was nothing you could do to save them.  That is how I felt about Tif's cancer battle.  I could love her, fight for her, cheer for her, encourage her, pray with her, stay with her, but I couldn't save her.  Now I find that the soil of loss feels hard, barren, and unyielding at times...

When Grief Feels Unfair The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves  those that are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18         For the past few days the news has posted about the assassination of Charlie Kirk.  I think it is prudent to start out this blog telling you that I am a conservative politically, so a majority of the things that Charlie stood for are the same morals and values that I pursue.  Charlie was a brother in Christ, and his death brings us terrible mourning and pain here on earth, but for him it was a glorious day.  He went home to be with Jesus.  But this post has little to do with politics, this post has to do with grief, a grief that many Americans are feeling......a grief that his wife and children are currently feeling.  No matter what side of the aisle your politics sit on, I think we can all agree that no wife should ever have to come home to a empty bed and have to raise her children alone.  Grief, in eve...

Climbing the Summit of Grief “I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” —Psalm 121:1-2       I know this might sound hard to believe, but there was one time in my life that I enjoyed climbing rock walls.  That might stretch the imagination now since I am forty, I don't gravitate to adventure or danger, and needless to say there was a little less Matt to fit into a climbing harness.  I started doing climbing walls in my early twenties when I worked at a Christian camp.  I became certified, bought some gear, and spent a few summers building up some major core muscles.  I would fly up the wall just to ring the silly bell at the top.  But not every wall was easy to climb.  There were usually levels.  I could easily ascend the beginner wall in a few seconds, but the more advanced walls, the ones that meant jumping to the next hand hold or almost having to hang...

  The Wilderness: When You Feel Lost “He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock.” —Deuteronomy 8:15       Who doesn't love going on vacations to the beach?  I know that I do.  But I remember on one particular trip to Mrytle Beach when I got lost.  I was playing in the water near my parents when all of a sudden I looked behind me and they weren't there.  My parents didn't move but the current keep pushing me further and further away from them.  My parents could still see me, but I couldn't see them.  My first reaction was tears, my second reaction was screaming.  Within seconds my parents were right by my side, but for those few moments I felt so lost.  I felt like my world became a total wildernesss.       When Tif went home to heaven my  life instantly became a wilderness.  Scr...

  When the Silence Is Deafening “Be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10       Grief in its infancy was really loud.  The sound of hospital rooms, funeral services, phone calls, texts, and the ringing of the door bell filled the empty space.  But those sounds dissipate over time, and then the silence becomes so incredibly defeaning.  When I say silence that doesn't mean the lack of sound, far from it.  For me personally there were lots of sounds.  There was the sounds of three children the needed my attention, the sound of trying to get back to work, the average sounds of a day like the background noise of a fan, the sound of cutting carrots on a cutting board, or the sound of worship music in the foreground.  There were still sounds, but those sounds became muffled.  Birds still sang and people still laughed, but not in my dark space.       The hardest part of losing my wife isn’t always the memories—it...

 Fighting for Joy Through Grief “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5       "I'm alive, awake, alert, enthuastic."  That has been my answer for years when someone asks me how I'm doing or feeling.  That was a motto that a I picked up while working at a Christian camp ministry over twenty years ago, and to be honest that simple phrase was the embodiment of my personality.  I was a bubbly, joyful, glass half full kind of guy.  I typically didn't have to fight for joy, joy seemed to be my default position from the time I opened my eyes.  But then cancer came to my home and laid waste against my loving wife.  That phrase vanished from my vocabulary.  The spring in my step was broken, my characteristic smile was gone, my laugh melted into the beginning stages of grief.  All of a sudden joy became an emotion that I had to fight for.       Grief is not something you can schedule. I...

  Devotional: Beauty in the Ashes of Grief He gives beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness Isaiah 61:3       When Tif died, I thought the world had ended.  Not just my world, the world in general.  In many ways Tif was my world.  Caring for her consumed me during those ten months.  Now the loud noise of hospital rooms turned into silence and the silence was heavy, the memories were sharp, and the emptiness felt unbearable. Grief can strip away your strength, your sense of security, even your desire to keep walking forward.  Yes, grief gets you stuck.  It's like the whole world keeps moving except for you. But as I’ve walked with the Lord through these dark valleys, I’ve discovered something unexpected—grief, though painful, can also bring forth good.  The prophet Isaiah said that God can bring forth beauty from ashes and that we can find treasures in darkness.  But what ...