Daring to Date and Start Again
Moving Forward While Honoring the Past
Danger, Danger Will Robinson was the catchphrase for the 1960's sci-fi classic, Lost in Space. The Robot B-9 used this phrase as a means of warning the young Will when trouble was around. This particular article should start out "Danger, Danger Matt Robinson." I'm getting ready to trek into a touchy subject, but for grieving people touchy subjects need addressed. It's a question that most of them are thinking about, but afraid to ask. So, what is this touchy subject? Dating and remarriage. For a man who has lost his wife, the question of dating again can feel incredibly complicated. Some people believe a widower should wait years before moving forward. Others pressure him to remarry quickly. The widower will be judged for either decision that he makes. Both perspectives often miss the most important question: What does God want for this season of your life?
Despite what the peanut gallery may say, there is no universal timeline for grief or for remarriage. Every marriage is different. Every loss is different. And every man’s healing journey is different. There is nothing cookie cutter or predictable with grief. There isn't a five step program, there isn't an instruction manual, there isn't even a check list to see when you are ready. Instead of focusing on a calendar, a widower should focus on wisdom, healing, and God’s direction. Remarriage after loss is not betrayal. It is a continuation of life that God has given. It's a realization that you still have a lot of love to give, a desire to receive love again, but you want that love to be given to the right person at the right time.
God does not set a fixed timeline for grief and healing. Scripture never gives a specific waiting period for remarriage after a spouse dies. In fact, the Bible affirms that remarriage after the death of a spouse is honorable. Romans 7:2 reminds us that marriage is a covenant that lasts as long as both spouses live. When a spouse dies, that covenant is fulfilled. I know for me personally it was a joy to faithfully fulfill that covenant with Tiffanie. When I stood before God in 2010 I made a vow to her that I would love her till death do us part, and tragically death did part us. Biblically, a widower is free to remarry, and encouraged to do so. But freedom does not mean rushing. It means seeking the Lord carefully about what comes next. I will stress this over and over again, timing isn't necessarily the issue, it's obedience. For me personally God provided someone quicker then I expected, but I can't argue with God's timing. BUT I had to make sure that my heart was ready, that it was God's will, and that both Leslie and I together (and our families) were ready for that next huge step.
So, what are some signs that a widower is ready to date again? Let's first define that term ready. A lot of people think ready means that grief is gone and that healing is complete. I would have held that position before losing Tiffanie. But that's not the definition of what ready means in this context. Grief does not disappear. So, if you think the timing for dating means that you are no longer grieving, then you will never be able to date again. Instead, readiness often shows itself in healthier ways of carrying that grief.
I've made a list of several helpful indicators.
1. He Is Not Looking for Someone to Replace His Wife
This is a huge point that a man needs to consider, and one that I needed to heed too. There is something called "transference of emotions." That simply means that a man moves the same emotions from his late wife onto a new woman. Naturally there will be some similar emotions, but there is a danger when a man is merely looking for a rebound, an emotional attachment, a 'friends with benefit.' A new relationship should never be an attempt to recreate the marriage that was lost. There is a danger when a man finds a woman identical to that of his first wife. A healthy widower understands that his late wife was unique and irreplaceable. A new relationship is not a replacement, it is a new story. For me personally I found this to be true. Les is very distinct from Tiffanie. While there are some traits that are the same, they are very different people. I loved Tiffanie differently then Leslie, and vice versa.
2. He Has Learned to Carry His Grief
This is a tough one because there isn't really a learning curve to grief at any stage, but early grief can make someone emotionally dependent on the first person who shows care and attention. A man also needs to be aware because he might develop an anxious attachment, meaning he becomes insecure and feels the need to sure up his security by finding a woman. Notice I said a woman, not THE woman. For me personally, my heaviest grief wasn't after Tiffanie passed away, it was during her cancer journey. I processed my deepest grief while she was still alive. I know that might sound morbid, but when a doctor tells you that your spouse is dying from cancer, it causes you to start processing things that you never thought you would have to. A man may be ready when he has learned to live with his grief rather than escape from it. Notice I didn't say that when he's done crying, hurting, or grieving. No. It means that he is learning to build a garden around his grief. He is allowing it to be his teacher, not his master. He can remember his wife with love without being overwhelmed every day.
3. He Is Comfortable Living on His Own
Once again, take this advice with a grain of salt because these aren't the ten commandments of dating after loss. Each man will be different. This one may sound surprising, but it is important. If a widower cannot function without someone caring for him, he may rush into a relationship out of loneliness or practical need. He looks for a caretaker versus a best friend, wife, and lover. This was easy for me because I had been the one that did a lot of domestic responsibilities. I cooked, did dishes, went grocery shopping, paid the bills, helped a lot with the kids, worked 50 plus hours, etc. I was always comfortable living on my own in regards to work and responsibility. Leslie and I started dating when she was living 8000 miles away, so needless to say, that was a strong point that I was able to live on my own. Now, I say this isn't 'thus saith the Lord' because some older widowers will need help because they have never lived on their own. Yes, they need a wife and someone to love, but they also will need someone to help them with general tasks. A healthy place to start dating is when a man knows he can live independently, but still desires companionship.
4. He Has Sought God About the Decision
A Christian widower should not be guided only by loneliness or pressure from others. There is a temptation to do that, trust me, but you can't allow your ever fluctuating emotions to be in charge of your control center. You can't even trust your heart. A widower should bring the decision before God in prayer and ask honest questions. Here are some questions I asked myself before entering the arena of dating again:
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Am I emotionally healthy enough to love someone well?
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Am I seeking companionship or healing?
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Am I open to the kind of relationship God may bring, even if it looks different from my first marriage?
God often leads through prayer, wise counsel, and peace in the heart.
A very legitimate concern that a widower has is honoring his late wife while falling in love with someone new. The average widower worries that moving forward somehow dishonors the woman they loved. But love is not a limited resource. Honoring a late wife and loving a new wife are not competing loyalties. Let me continue to share my own personal testimony of dating and getting remarried. My love for Tiffanie filled my heart. I wondered how can I love someone else when my heart is consumed with love for Tiff. How did God reply to that concern, He grew my heart. I never had to love Tiffanie less in order to love Leslie. It reminds me of the time when the Grinch's heart grew multiple times that day. If a grinch heart can grow, imagine how a grieving heart can grow. Loving your late spouse while loving someone new is not a betrayal, but a way to honor your first spouse.
Memories are part of a widower’s life story. A healthy future relationship will respect that history rather than try to erase it. But that can be complicated. A widower had a marriage that ended through death, not divorce. He didn't voluntarily choose for his wife to pass, it happened. But what happens next? What should a man consider as he starts to date? First he needs to avoid comparisons. A new wife should never feel like she is being measured against someone who is no longer here. The goal is not to recreate the past but to build something new together. I cannot tell you how important this is for a widower. Your new wife will be distinct, unique, created special for you. While you love your late wife, you equally love and embrace your next chapter. They are not in competition with one another, they are complementary.
If a widower believes God may be leading him toward a new relationship, a few principles can help guide the process.
1john 4:4
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