When Grief Feels Unfair

When Grief Feels Unfair

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves 

those that are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

       For the past few days the news has posted about the assassination of Charlie Kirk.  I think it is prudent to start out this blog telling you that I am a conservative politically, so a majority of the things that Charlie stood for are the same morals and values that I pursue.  Charlie was a brother in Christ, and his death brings us terrible mourning and pain here on earth, but for him it was a glorious day.  He went home to be with Jesus.  But this post has little to do with politics, this post has to do with grief, a grief that many Americans are feeling......a grief that his wife and children are currently feeling.  No matter what side of the aisle your politics sit on, I think we can all agree that no wife should ever have to come home to a empty bed and have to raise her children alone.  Grief, in every instance, is so unfair.  His dear wife didn't choose to enter into the most unwanted club in all the world, that of a widow/widower.  The weight that his wife bears is unimaginable.  Fathom the shock that she has to carry, the questions she has to ask and answer, and the strength that she will have to summon....a strength that does not come from any natural source.

      Charlie's death reopens some wounds for me, but one of the most dominate wounds is that none of us signed up for this.  I know I didn't.  If I could rewind time I would do something to help Tif discover her cancer diagnosis earlier, but time doesn't rewind at my whim.  Or for my chapter two, my sweet Leslie, she didn't sign up to be a widow at 28 after losing her dear husband.  Each widow or widower would love to escape the proverbial hell that they find themselves in, but we can't.  We didn't sign up to bury the person that we loved more than anyone else on planet earth.  I don't want to walk this road, a road when laughter and joy seem like a foreign language.  I hate the jealousy that I feel seeing couples holding hands.  I was recently on a beach trip and there was an older couple holding hands and I couldn't help but think two powerful thoughts.  First, that was supposed to be Tif and I.  It made me so bitter for a moment.  Other people's happiness shouldn't make me bitter, but it does at times.  My next thought was the joy that overflows in my heart to be able to do life with a fantastic woman again.  That might sound like an oxymoron.  How can I miss the woman that I loved dearly and fall in love with another woman?  It doesn't seem like it should make sense, on paper it doesn't.  But grief doesn't make sense, it's confusing.  It rocks you to your core.  It makes you dig deeper in your faith, ask questions that you never asked, and makes you come to the conclusion that grief is so totally unfair.

      Every person who lost someone dear to them has asked these questions, "why my spouse, why me, why now?"  I remember being so incredibly frustrated with God that I threw huge stones into the creek in our backyard, yelling at Him.  I remember laying in a hot shower, crying so hard that I was throwing up.  I was so upset with God.  The above questions don't have tidy answers, they don't come wrapped in a bow, and they don't come with immediate answers.....if any answer at all.  To be fair, most of the answers probably wouldn’t suffice in the moment.  And, to be more honest, it has made me wrestle with God.  But I'm in good company, a company of people who have cried out to God.  People like Job, David, Jeremiah.  They all stood in the same tension of faith and sorrow, they felt that hard balance of belief and brokenness.

      So what have I learned in this season of cruely and unfairness?  It's the same thing that each widow and widower learns, it's a lesson that we are slow to learn....God isn't afraid of my honesty.  What some might see as disbelief is actually us finding our strength.  It's no longer a rosy colored faith that believes that everything will turn out how we want it to.  It's a faith that is tried by fire....one purified by grief.  God isn't put off when I whisper, or for that matter even shout "THIS ISN'T FAIR!"  Instead He meets me there in my sackcloth and ashes.  He doesn't offer explanations or answers, but instead He offers me His unfailing presence.

      Jesus Himself stood at the tomb of His dear friend Lazarus and wept.  Yes, Jesus, the Son of God, who knows all things, KNEW He was going to resurrect Lazarus soon.  So why cry knowing that death's short cords were about ready to be severed?  Jesus allowed the pain and unfairness of death to meet Him with tears.  A Savior truly aquainted with grief....a man of sorrow.  God NEVER will minimize my grief, but instead He steps into it.  Read that last statement one more time, He steps into our grief.

      Does it still feel unfair?  Yes.  Death should never feel fair because death wasn't part of God's original design for the human race.  Sin brought brokenness into this world, every tear and gravestone has been etched by it's cruelty.  Sin is a master who only steals, it is the cruelest of masters.  BUT, because of Jesus, DEATH WILL NOT HAVE THE FINAL WORD.  It wasn't the final word for Charlie Kirk, it wasn't for my sweet Tiffanie, it wasn't for my Leslie's husband, and for each believer in Christ death is NOT THE FINAL WORD.  One day He will wipe every tear from our eyes.  Until then, He promises to be close, especially when my spirit feels crushed.

      Grief is a riddle that wrecks the heart, confuses the minds, and injures the soul.  The riddle doesn't need an answer though.  Instead I just need to rest in the One who walks me through my grief.  Resting in the fact that the Lord knows that it hurts and that it's unfair.  Trusting that while we don't have all the answers that He is unfailingly close.  Ask Him simply to hold you, knowing that death is already defeated for those that are in Christ Jesus.