He Will Hold Me Fast

 He Will Hold Me Fast

      My family would often travel to speak at various churches when we served as missionaries.  We loved getting into the old ministry machine (aka, our Kia Sedona minivan with nearly 300,000 miles that smelled like McDonalds french fries) and barnstorming various churches.  One sweet church was about an hour and a half drive.  The church was Cumberland Bible Church.  Our family had the joy of speaking there for over two years.  We loved the scenic drive, the kind people, and the adventure.  I would often speak in the morning and the evening service.  The church would let us stay at their parsonage between services.  They provided us with yummy snacks, Tif was able to nap, I was able to study, and the kids would do homework or play boardgames.  We would stop at a McDonalds in a gas station on our way home.  Our kids would typically fall asleep on the ride.  We pulled into the driveway after 10 at night, exhausted from a full day of ministry.

      One of my favorite memories of Cumberland Bible was the song "He Will Hold Me Fast.  Here is a link if you are unfamiliar with it (https://youtu.be/nkRiOMJNuTU?si=G4J319yovmBOFhEN).  The hymn always touched me, but in the last few weeks of Tiffanie's life the hymn took on a whole new meaning.  It's incredible how a verse or a song that you've been familiar with your whole life transforms in the face of trials and tribulations.  God hides those treasures in the depths of our hearts and when heartache comes we start mining out those precious treasures.  This song came racing to me through the Holy Spirit in an hour of great need.  One year ago today we were sitting in a hosptial.  Unknown to us that Tif would pass away a little over one week later.  Each doctors appointment that day was discouraging.  There was little to no good news.  We were left to climb a 90 degree rock face with nothing to hold on to.  We felt like we were slipping.  We realized that the final few grains of sand in Tiffanie's hourglass were running out.  We knew that decades had become days. 

      I vividly remember her sleeping in the hosptial chair.  She preferred the chair because she could breath better.  She was on oxygen 24 hours, and the amount of liters was climbing.  Today she was between five and six liters just to sit.  Her oxygen level would drop into the 70s just for her to go to the bathroom.  Every alarm in the hosptial would go off when she went to the bathroom.  Tif didn't like people seeing her pee, including me.  She would ask me to leave the room and wait in the hallway.  I had A LOT of conversations with nurses and doctors in those moments in the hallway.  She would text me 'done' and I would come back into the room.  That day she was able to rest peacefully, but my heart was so weighed down, my burden to heavy to bear.  My faith felt faint.  I had cried to God and it felt like He didn't hear....like He failed me.  I had so many honest conversations with God, but He welcomed each ugly conversation.  He knew my heart was weary.  He knew that my faith was failing.  He visited me so many times in the hospital rooms via visits, texts, verses, and songs.  I watched Tif sleep as I sat on the flood under the window and started to weep.  I cried until I convulsed, till my abs hurt.  Each tear evidence of how much I loved her and how deeply she affected me.  Anxiety, fear, and worry hunted me as if I were prey.  I remember taking my glasses off and seeing perfect circle stains on the lenses....stains of my tears.

      I pulled out my phone and started listening to this song.  I wept even more, but this time because the Lord met me.  Yes, the tempest still blew, I was still being torn apart, and my heart hurt so deeply, but through this song I felt Him enter that room, and hold me fast.  I remember repeating again and again, precious Jesus.  The hymn says "when I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast.  When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast  I could never keep my hold, through life's fearthful path, for my love is often cold, He must hold me fast."  The Lord told me that day, Matt, I'm taking your wife to be with me soon.  She's going to be ok.  I will hold you close to me in this storm.  It's going to hurt, you are going to be confused, but I'm not going to leave either of you.  He told me in my soul to trust Him, to give her life over to Him.  He told me to let Him take her home.  I watched her chest rise and fall, and at that moment I heard His still small voice, I love her Matt, I died for her, I shed my blood for her.  She is mine.  Soon her faith will be turned to sight.  I crawled close to her chair and told my Father in heaven, ok, she's yours.  Take care of her, I love her, be gentle with her, and give me strength to love her in these final moments.  Then the song reminded, that He is holding both of us fast.  Tif is being held by Him in glory, I'm being held by Him on earth.  She sees Him unveiled, I see Him still veiled.  

      I learned that day to lean on His repose.  I learned that day to quiet the voices of fear and raise my hands in surrender.  I learned that when my faith was so thin that it was transparent that He wouldn't let me fall.  Through the hell of cancer I learned the sweetness of glory.  I learned that tears were worship.  I learned how much He loved me because He sat with us in a cold, sterile hospital room, never leaving.  Though I didn't see Him, I could picture Him holding Tif....I could feel Him holding me, refusing to let go.  I learned of His unrelenting love.  Yes, He did hold me fast....and He holds you too.