Preparing Your Heart for Valentine's Day When Your Person is Gone
Preparing Your Heart for Valentine’s Day When Your Person Is Gone
If you were to ask the people nearest to me they would tell you that I am a hopeless romantic. I am the guy that loves to pull off the side of the road and pick flowers, make cards, buy a favorite snack on the way home from work, and leave the cheesiest flirtatious comments. I didn't need Valentine's Day to be romantic with my wife, I wanted her to feel like Valentine's Day was everyday. Tiff and I typically went pretty low key. We didn't buy many presents but we enjoyed each others company. I vividly remember our last Valentines Day together. She was just diagnosed with cancer and needless to say there wasn't a lot of things worth celebrating. It was the darkest most depressing Valentine's Day, but it was also one of my favorites. We didn't discuss the future because her diagnosis crushed our hopes for that, but instead we talked about how much we loved each other. We didn't go out on the town, she didn't get flowers, we just had each other....which was more than enough for me.
Valentine’s Day is meant to celebrate love. But when you are grieving the loss of your spouse, it can feel like a day designed to highlight what you no longer have. It's like rubbing salt into the wound. It's a reminder that you are solo, that you are alone, and it makes a day when the heart should swell with love be reminded that it's broken. Everywhere you look, commercials, store aisles, social media, you are reminded of couples, flowers, chocolates, and date nights. And instead of warmth, it can stir up a deep ache, loneliness, and memories that feel both beautiful and painful.
If this is your first Valentine’s Day without your person or your tenth, this day can still catch you off guard. The good news is: you don’t have to walk into it unprepared. You can prepare your heart as best as you can. You can choose how you will step into the day, instead of letting the day run you over. Here are a few ways to spiritually and emotionally prepare for Valentine’s Day while grieving.
First, acknowledge the day ahead of time. Some of us husbands were terrible shoppers. We waited until the last minute. To be honest some of us probably shopped the morning of. We simply weren't prepared. We can afford to pretend Valentine’s Day isn’t coming. Avoiding it doesn’t make it easier. In fact, it often makes the emotions hit harder when the day arrives. Instead, say it out loud: “This day might be hard for me, and that’s okay.” Giving yourself permission to struggle removes the pressure to be “fine.” Note that phrase, give yourself permission. Give yourself extra grace that day. God is not asking you to be strong. He is asking you to be honest. A verse I share often is Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Hide that verse in your heart that the darkness of the day wouldn't rule over your heart.
Second, make a plan for the day. One of the hardest parts of grief is the empty space. Valentine’s Day can feel like 24 hours of empty space if you don’t plan for it. Decide ahead of time: will you stay home or go out?Will you be alone or around others? What will you do in the evening when it feels the loneliest? There isn't a right or wrong answer. Some of us will want to go out, some of us will want to say in. Some will want to be around friends, others will want solitude. You know your heart better than anyone else but the Lord. You don’t need a big plan. You just need a plan. Structure protects your heart. Walk into the day knowing what you are going to do.
Third, don't forsake the memories, but don't let those memories crush you. You are allowed to remember and don't let anyone else tell you differently. You are allowed to miss them. You are allowed to feel the love you shared. But you don’t have to relive the loss over and over. A healthy way to do this is to intentionally set aside time to remember. You could look at photos, look at old cards that you wrote to each others, write a note to your spouse, thank God for the years that you shared together. Then you can gently shift your focus back to the present. You can't afford to keep looking into the rear view mirror, we need to press forward. Grief honors the love you had for your spouse....the love that you still carry with you at this very moment. But that grief that was created by the simple fact that you love them shouldn't imprison you.
One of the hardest parts of Valentine's Day is the loneliness. Losing a spouse already create a loneliness that can't be understood unless you are in that moment. It's okay to acknowledge that you are alone, but you are not abandoned. God is with you despie the fact that the loneliness is loud on Valentine’s Day. But Scripture reminds us of a deeper truth: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)." The verse makes it clear that never, no, never, will God ever leave you! You may feel alone, but you are not abandoned. Read that again. Breath that truth into your soul. God’s presence is not a cliché for grief. It is a lifeline. Spend time in prayer that day. Talk to Him honestly. Tell Him exactly how you feel. He can handle it.
Next, make sure that you do one thing that is kind to yourself. That might sound cliche or tacky, but remember that Valentine’s Day is about love. So practice a small act of love toward yourself. Eat a favorite meal. Take a walk. Watch something comforting. Reach out to a friend. Read a book. Order that dessert. This isn't selfish, this is healing. You are worthy of care, even in your grief. I know this one can be quite difficult because I'm not always the best person at loving myself. After Tiffanie died I found that I can be my own worst enemy, but intentionally do at least one kind thing for yourself on Valentine's Day (and make it a regular practice on future days).
Look for one way to show love to someone else. Grief narrows our world. Love widens it. Again, read that. Send a text. Call someone who is also hurting. Encourage a friend. That's why my ministry, Sons of the Shepherd was birthed, to let people know that someone walks with them in the darkest night. You are not the only person grieving, reach out to someone else too. Remind them that they are loved and not forgotten. You don’t have to do something big. A small act of love reminds your heart that love still flows through you.
Finally, remember that your love story didn’t end, it changed. Valentine’s Day may no longer look the way it used to. That's a tough truth to swallow. But the love you shared didn’t disappear. It shaped you. It grew you. It still lives in you. And God is still writing your story. This chapter is different. It is painful. It is unfamiliar. But it is not the end. He restores what the locusts have ate, He rebuilds from ruins, and He brings beauty from ashes. Yes, even for you reading this.
If Valentine’s Day feels hard for you, know this, you are not weak, you are grieving. And God is very close to you right now. You can get through this day. One hour at a time. One breath at a time.
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