Misconceptions about Grief

Walking Through Grief

Misconceptions and God’s Gentle Truth

      Grief is like walking through a fog. From the outside, people see only a few steps of your path, and they assume they know the way, when they haven't actually walked an inch, let alone a mile in a grieving persons shoes. Some tell you to hurry, insisting the fog should lift by now.  I label certain people as grief meteorologists when they haven't even studied grief.  People can be arm chair grief meteorologists, forecasting how you should react and feel.  Others suggest you leave behind the branches and leaves you clutch so tightly, thinking holding onto them slows you down. Some even say faith should make the forest clear instantly.  But grief doesn’t follow maps or schedules. God doesn’t expect you to see the entire path, nor does He judge the pace at which you walk. He walks beside you, gently guiding, carrying the weight you cannot yet set down, and whispering that your journey, though misunderstood by others, is sacred, necessary, and seen by Him.

      Grief is one of the most misunderstood experiences in life.  Grief is a magnet for misconception, judgment, and ill begotten attention.  People feel the need to gossip, whisper, and make personal opinions about your life.  They pretend to be like Sherlock Holmes while having no facts but ready to solve the crime. People often assume it’s something we can “get over” or that it should follow a neat timeline. But anyone who has lost someone they deeply love knows it doesn’t work that way.  It doesn't work that way at all. As someone who has walked the path of loss, I’ve come to see that grief is not a weakness, it’s a testament to love, and God meets us in it.  I want to peel back the onion of grief and see some misconceptions of grief.

Misconception 1: “You should be over it by now.”

      I’ve heard it or seen it written in cards, messages, even in kind but misinformed smiles: “It’s been a while, time to move on.” But grief doesn’t follow calendars.  It can't tell time. There is no expiration date on love. Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  I remember locking myself in my bathroom a few months after Tiff passed away.  I turned the blow dryer on to drown out the sound of my tears.  I had felt such deep healing, but my heart still hurt, I was still grieving.  Waves of sadness seem to have no rhyme or reason. And I had to remind myself: my grief is valid, and God is present even when my tears don’t stop.

Misconception 2: “You have to purge the reminders to heal.”

      Some people think if they box up pictures, clear out the closet, and remove every memory, they would feel better. But each person is different.  For me personally I had to pace myself with getting rid of items.  Some items I will never get rid of.  They will be treasures that my children will receive when I pass away.  Other items had some sentimental value right after Tiff passed away, but didn't months later.  I've met people that hoard even the simplest items and I've met people who regretfully purged everything right away.  Neither option is healthy or conducive to healing or hope. There’s a sacredness in remembering. Each photo, each story, each shared joke is part of the love that death can’t erase.  Death might take them away from us physically, but it cannot exhaust us of their memory. God doesn’t ask us to forget; He asks us to treasure, even in sorrow.

Misconception 3: “Faith removes grief.”

      Early in my grief journey I thought that if I was able to muster up enough faith that I would hurt or cry.  The problem was that my faith was indeed increasing, but my grief remained.  Tears still fell, questioned were still asked, doubts still sprang up.  I feared that I was failing God because my grief at times was unbearable.  But grief and faith are not quarrelsome or on opposite teams.  They can play together, they can co-exist together.  But there’s a quiet expectation in faith communities that trusting God means we should somehow feel better immediately.  There isn't a Scripture verse to back up that sentiment.  Sometimes we are believers have false misconceptions that we like to frame as Biblical, when all actuality they are nothing more then our inglorious opinions.  We can't afford to mix opinion and feeling with theology and Bible truth.  Grief isn’t an indicator of weak faith. David, in the Psalms, didn’t hide his anguish; he cried out, wrestled, and expressed anger and sorrow openly before God. Faith doesn’t erase the pain, instead it walks beside us, offering a steady hand in the dark.

Misconception 4: “There’s a right way to grieve.”

      Everyone grieves differently.  Read that again.  Now, again.  And just in case you forgot, read that again.  Each person grieves differently.  Some people faster, some people slower. Some cry openly, some sit in silence, some write their hearts out in journals or letters to God. There is no template.  Grief is not a one size fits all.  It's not cookie cutter.  O', people will have expectations on how you should grieve.  They will judge the way you grieve, but let me tell you a secret, there isn't a right way.  The sole demand is to trust in Jesus. Galatians 6:2 tells us, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” I’ve learned that supporting someone in grief means honoring their unique journey, even when it looks different from our own.  I have learned to respect each person's sorrow, quiet agony, and dispositions.  I would recommend not coming to a quick conclusion based on your cursory opinion.  Ben Franklin once said that great haste is great waste, and I think that's true of how other people put the grieving person under the microscope.  Their haste to draw conclusions wastes their opportunity to actually love the grieving person. 

Misconception 5: “You must grieve alone to be strong.”

      This particular one rings true of men especially.  Men feel the need to shoulder their own grief without talking with other people.  Men rarely seek counsel for their hurting hearts.  Some don't want to be a burden, others don't feel like they have a safe space emotionally, others process things internally, a lot of men don't have friends to talk to, and another huge reason, grief makes us feel vulnerable, a feeling that men flee from.  Early on, I tried to shoulder my grief by myself, thinking it was a sign of strength. But isolation amplifies pain.  Drawing away from others is typically a sign of weakness, not strength. Hebrews 10:24-25 encourages believers to “encourage one another and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Sharing grief with friends, family, or a faith community doesn’t make you weaker, it allows God’s love to flow through others to you.  All grieving people, but especially men need to realize that we are built for community, and the grief and isolation is a dangerous mixture.

      Grief is often viewed as a problem, and problems demand solutions.  Especially for men.  Men like to solve problems, we are created by God with that desire.  But there is no "Tim the toolman Taylor" in the arena of grief.  Grief isn’t a problem to fix, it’s a journey we walk. God meets us in the tears, the memories, the prayers whispered in the night. He doesn’t rush us, He doesn’t scold us for feeling deeply, and He doesn’t expect our timeline to match anyone else’s.  He understands our grief because Christ, our Savior, is the Man of Sorrows.  He is acquainted with our grief.

      If you are grieving, let yourself feel it fully. Cry, remember, pray, and lean into those who can carry a little of the weight with you. There is no right way to grieve, only the way God gives you to walk through it. And in that walk, His presence is steadfast, and His love is unwavering.  Give yourself the same grace that He shows to you.