Missing Identity Through the Male Lens

Missing Identity Through the Male Lens

      There are many things we lose as widows and widowers that go far beyond the obvious loss of our spouse, we also lose parts of our "identity."

      What I’m focusing on here is what men lose in relation to our roles as husbands and fathers. Too often, men adopt the mindset of “just get over it and move forward as quietly as possible” for the sake of masculinity or societal pressure tied to assumed roles and expectations. We hear phrases like “take it like a man” or “feelings are for girls,” but nothing could be further from the truth. Men experience the same full range of human emotion, love, happiness, sorrow, and pain, both physical and emotional just as deeply as women do. The difference is that while it is publicly acceptable for women to show emotion, men’s emotions are often ignored, devalued, or simply less acknowledged.

      This mindset has been ingrained in us for generations. As boys, many of us were told things like “only girls cry,” “man up,” or “don’t act like a girl.” With messages like these, it’s easy to see why men learn to hide their emotions. But this trend needs to be broken and sooner rather than later. Having emotions is not a sign of weakness; it’s evidence of a healthy human spirit. While there are growing efforts to promote mental health awareness, we have to ask: are we missing the mark by not keeping both genders equally in focus at the same time, and why haven’t we? Instead of implied inclusion, we should aim for what could be called “advertised equal wellness.”

      Men are often visual and observational in how we learn and communicate. We see and hear messaging, but we can subconsciously ignore what doesn’t seem to include us, until it’s pointed out and we have that “aha” moment. Even then, many men won’t openly acknowledge how it affects them unless prompted. Over the past century, movements for equality from suffrage (1848–1920) to the Equal Pay Act of 1963 and beyond have brought necessary and important change. However, while the focus was rightly on advancing women’s rights, it also, at times, left less space for addressing men’s evolving identity.

      When men experience a loss of identity, it often comes from a slow erosion over time. Masculinity can feel like it’s in a kind of “recession” of purpose. Many men have traditionally derived their sense of worth from external markers like achievement, provision, leadership, or being seen as “manly.” When those markers are questioned or no longer emphasized, some men feel like their value is being diminished. This can lead to resentment, confusion, or withdrawal or even deeper questions (in rare cases) of sexual identity.

      Historically, the male identity was often anchored in being a provider, protector, and leader. As culture shifts toward greater independence and empowerment for women, those traditional roles can feel less defined or even obsolete. Men may begin to ask, “If I’m not needed in the same way, what is my role now?” This can create a sense of disconnection from work, family, and community—areas that once provided clear purpose.

      At the same time, traditional masculinity has often limited men emotionally, encouraging stoicism and discouraging vulnerability. When cultural attention highlights women’s emotional experiences, men’s struggles—like loneliness, identity loss, and mental health challenges—can be sidelined. This reinforces the belief that men’s pain is less legitimate, deepening isolation.

      Some perspectives describe a cultural imbalance where men feel expected to support others while their own needs are minimized. This can erode a sense of mutual respect and shared responsibility. That said, this is not a zero-sum issue. Women still face real inequalities, and rigid gender roles have harmed everyone. The challenge is not the focus on women’s advancement, it’s the lack of equally strong, positive redefinition of masculinity alongside Femininity, this could be a powerful movement for everyone.

      Without new and affirming models of manhood, ones that include strength, care, vulnerability, and meaningful contribution without dominance, many men feel like they are navigating life without a map. This is especially true for younger men, some of whom feel increasingly disconnected or unsure of where they fit.

      Ultimately, both men and women benefit when we address the full humanity for everyone, not just one side of the equation. True progress means making space for both to heal, to grow, and to rediscover identity with clarity and purpose.

My name is John Walker, I lost my wife on July 17th-2019. Since then, it's been a long journey and learning curve to get myself where I thought I needed to be emotionally. I used my writing to cope and to actually see what I was feeling in print, from there it didn't take long to use it for helping others that struggle too.

      John has become a friend to Sons of the Shepherd.  His skill at articulating human feelings and experience are unmatched.  His writings have encouraged me and been a blessing.  Here is a link to John's latest published work, "Widow 911: a Practical Guide For Dealing With the Loss of Your Spouse."  This book is for anyone who has lost a spouse, widow or widower.  It walks you through practical steps of what to do and what to expect.

https://a.co/d/0ilELmyMv