Who Am I?

Who Am I?

      Two very short years ago, I was 47 years old. I was living in the parsonage at our church in Clinton, CT, the wife of a pastor. I had been Zack’s wife for 26 years, and he was the only boyfriend I’d ever had. We had one kid left at home with us and a brand new grandbaby that we were looking forward to seeing in a few weeks at Christmas time. I had just started as the church secretary about two months before that, and I was leading the women’s ministry as well as teaching everything from the kids to ESL. I had no idea that in about three weeks, everything, and I do mean every – single – thing, was going to drastically change.

      On January 5 of 2024, God decided to take my husband Zack home to Heaven just before his 51st birthday. He collapsed during his morning workout in the basement, and emergency personnel couldn’t get his heart to recover. In just minutes, I was no longer a wife. I was no longer a pastor’s wife. In about six months, my last kid at home moved out because he knew I was going to have to move out of the parsonage at some point, so I was no longer a mom raising kids at home. A few months after that, I worked my last day as the church admin, and I was no longer employed. About a month later I moved out of the parsonage and in with my parents. I was no longer a resident of CT; no longer in the master bedroom of the house with my furniture and my pictures on the walls; no longer down the street from my CT friends. I was no longer an active member of a church or a member at all. Within 11 months, there wasn’t one part of my life that looked the same as it had the previous year. I even had to rehome our family dog!

      The day I pulled out of my driveway for the last time and headed back to MD to settle in “for good” I felt a renewed sense of loss. I was very aware that Clinton and my life as a pastor’s wife and stay at home mom raising kids and leading ministry at our church was in the rearview mirror, literally. Moving put a very final end to this chapter of my life with Zack. I was driving into this next chapter that Zack wasn’t going to be a part of. I was about to flip the calendar to a year that Zack didn’t live in. Everything was going to be different and new. Everything. I kept reciting to myself what I had told our church family – “He makes all things new…in order to be new it has to be different from the old…” But even with that truth ringing in my mind, my heart and body were absorbing this new loss.

      Beyond the loss of my husband, I was losing who I used to be. Who am I now? I felt like I was a guest in someone else’s life. I remember my brother calling me a few weeks after I moved and asking if I was getting settled in. My answer was “yes. And it’s more unsettling than living in CT without him.” It was a very disorienting feeling. Floating. Wandering. Drifting. Loved but lost. Two years ago, if you had asked me, “Who are you?” I would’ve answered with all the things I just listed: wife, mom, pastor’s wife, secretary, etc. And while those things were a huge part of my life and my daily routine; important things; things that gave me a sense of purpose; my contribution to my circles of influence, those were all actually roles I was fulfilling. Jobs I was given. Callings God had placed before me. Good works He had prepared for me. But after all that was stripped away, and I stopped to look around at what felt like the ruins of Jericho, I became increasingly aware that I needed to tether my lost and scattered soul to something that was permanent. Something that couldn’t go away no matter what life threw my way. Something that didn’t change - the core of who I was.

      Years ago in VA, when the boys were playing peewee football, Zack set up an area in our basement as their locker room. It’s where he kept their uniform and pads and cleats. He hung a sign on the door that said “locker room” with their team mascot on it. He also made a sign with something he used to tell the boys often. “Football is what we do. Christ followers is who we are. We may not always play football, but we will always be Christ followers.” The roles God had given me were temporary. I was forced to ask myself this question.  Who am I, actually? I had to pray, “God, I know that I haven’t actually lost my identity, but then why do I feel so lost? Who am I? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do now?” Slowly and quietly, He whispered to me, “let’s start with your first question – who am I.” Then He continued to patiently connect me to some of the lives of people I was studying about in His word. Romans 15:4 says, “For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.” My Emmanuel was present with me through my bible study times and began to draw my attention to some people that He had written about in His word who had faced similar disorienting, identity challenging situations in their lives. He patiently comforted me with lessons from their lives and began to answer some questions, bring clarity and give me hope. 

      This is something I’m still wrestling a bit with. Writing on this topic has helped bring some clarity in my own heart and mind. The first one is Ezekiel, an Israelite priest who had been taken captive with the people to an enemy nation. He was 30 years old in chapter one when he had a prophetic vision. I learned in my study that typically, priests were able to begin their duties at 30, possibly after 5 years of training. So, most of his life he had anticipated what he would be doing at the age of 30; how he would be fulfilling his purpose through ministry; how he would be serving his God and his people. His life path was pretty clearly laid out. Until captivity. That wasn’t part of the plan! At the age of 30, when he should be taking on full responsibility, he was a priest without a temple who had a calling he was unable to fulfill. I imagine he was feeling the loss of his purpose and the future he had planned. I think it’s safe to say he felt disoriented and confused, a bit like the rug had been pulled out from under him. BUT GOD! Chapter 1 and verse 3 says “the word of Yahweh came expressly to Ezekiel” and “the hand of Yahweh came upon him.” God’s heart is for His children. 

      During that same time period, we also see Daniel dealing with a similar type of identity crisis. Daniel was also taken away from his home and his family. He was forced into a new culture, new language, new way of life, new eating habits, new rules and even a new name. He was being made to assimilate not just to a different way of life, but to a pagan way of life. They were attempting to take the “Jewish” out of Daniel and his friends and make them fit in with the Babylonians. We see from the very beginning of Daniel’s story in 1:8 that he “set his heart.” He knew exactly who he was and Whose he was. It was striking to me as I studied this during a time when I was feeling shaken and trying to get my feet back under me, how steady Daniel stayed. He is a shining example of knowing exactly where his identity was found – in his relationship and connection to Yahweh. His location, role, diet, earthly authority and even his name could be changed, but he still defined himself by Who he belonged to. One commentator said “the faithful find their true identity unshakable in God alone, despite cultural pressure.” 

      What Daniel KNEW to be true about God gave him the courage to even face lions! Is there something in your life that looks totally different than you had planned? Are you feeling disappointed? God’s heart is for you. Lean in.  I recently led a small group through a study of Ruth that my friend just published. I have been familiar with Ruth’s story for a long time, but this time it hit differently since I am now also a widow. Ruth was a Moabite. She married an Israelite who had come to her homeland with his family in search of food. We know that she was a young widow with no children. When her story picks up with her determination to go with Naomi back to Bethlehem, we see that she has chosen Naomi’s God as her own. In her story we get to see her walking away from her pagan identity and anchoring her soul to the God of Israel! She leaves behind everything familiar to her because she loves Naomi and has come to love Naomi’s God. Her virtue, excellence and strength of character – despite losing everything – are noticed by those around her. Her humility and trust in God’s sovereignty are convicting and empowering at the same time. She follows every instruction she is given and leaves space for God to work things out according to His plan. She has a childlike trust in His control of her life. She focuses not on her own loss, but on serving Naomi. Her kindness to Naomi draws Boaz’s attention and affection.

      One thing that really jumped off the page at me when I was studying this was how she answered the question “who are you” in 3:9. At this point in the story, she is just following Naomi’s instructions, even though they were a bit bizarre. She is at the feet of Boaz after a dinner party, waiting for him to wake up and notice her there. When Boaz wakes up and says, “who are you,” she does not say ‘Ruth the Moabitess’ or ‘Ruth the widow.’ She doesn’t attach her identity to her past or her loss but rather to her connection with the kinsman redeemer. “I am Ruth, your maidservant.” She places the full weight of her identity on her relationship to him. We know that Boaz is a picture of Christ, our kinsman redeemer. Oh, how that one verse was highlighted on the page by the Holy Spirit. Her deep trust in God’s plan was a pillar that not only held her up through grief and transition, but it held Naomi up too. The life Ruth gained because she was willing to let go of the life she had before is quite remarkable. God doesn’t waste our surrender! He can do so much more with it than we can do by holding onto it. Are there plans or parts of your life that you are holding too tightly to? Are you trusting God’s plan and leaving space for Him to do what only He can do?

      Another young woman the Bible refers to as a maidservant is Mary, a young virgin just living her life; honoring God and her parents; engaged to be married to Joseph; presumably planning her wedding and new life ahead. Like Ruth, we don’t know a whole lot of detail about Mary’s life, but the Holy Spirit uses the words ‘favored one’ repeatedly in describing her. We see her humility in accepting this impossible and seemingly crazy plan that she will now be a part of. She was likely thought of favorably in her community. She would’ve had a good reputation. All of that was about to change.  She has to be willing to give all that up. And what does she say to the angel after he explains the plan? “Behold the maidservant of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” With a posture of humility before the Lord, she connects her identity back to her relationship with Him, and that positions her to say “yes” to what God has next for her. She goes on to magnify the Lord, worship Him and rejoice that she has been chosen to be a part of this story. She has no idea the full weight of what she’s being asked to carry, but she trusts in Yahweh, so she’s ok with it. Her identity is rooted in her relationship with God, and that stability enables her to trust and obey with joy. Do you trust Him with your life plan? Trust Him enough to just say yes and obey? Are you worshiping Him through your doubts and wrestling?

      When we don’t have a firm grasp on our true identity, we cling too tightly to relationships, roles, passions, goals, life plans, good health, financial security, jobs, possessions and so much more. As we reflect on these Biblical examples, we see that they moved forward in steadfastness during some potentially life derailing experiences because of a settled security in their true identity. As always, Jesus is our perfect example in this too. My husband used to often say that “Jesus had an agenda, not a schedule.” He was never rushed or distracted. He didn’t change course when people didn’t like His message or methods. He didn’t get thrown or spend time chasing people when they turned and stopped following. He grieved over the loss of His friend Lazarus but stayed on mission. He lived and served from a place of security; settled in His identity, rooted in what His mission was, fully loved and known by His Father and delighted to walk in obedience, no matter the cost, trading his royal kingly crown (temporarily) for a crown of thorns. “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to finish his work.” (John 4:34)

      Ezekiel’s truest identity kept him centered and grounded in who he really was while in captivity. It enabled him to speak difficult truth even though it would be rejected. He continued serving God and the people of Israel even though it looked nothing like what it was supposed to. Daniel’s truest identity is what kept him courageous in the face of persecution. His steadfast determination allowed him to be obedient and faithful to His God no matter what earthly king he was serving. Even though everything about his life changed, including his name, he was so secure in his identity that he was able to keep walking in step with God and serving Him. Ruth’s truest identity, her adopted identity in her connection to the kinsman redeemer, gave her the power to hope when all seemed lost. Instead of looking inward in the midst of loss, she took that hope and shared it with Naomi which gave Naomi the gift of clarity through the fog of grief. Mary’s truest identity is what allowed her to walk forward in obedience when the plan was crazy and people weren’t going to believe her innocence. Her humble submission kept her heart in a posture of worship and gratitude to the One who gifted her the part she would play in His story.

      My marriage to Zack, as flawed by two sinful humans as it was, reflected a much bigger and permanent covenant relationship with God. Since I am a follower of Christ, and therefore part of the Bride of Christ, my truest identity as well as my ultimate purpose and mission did not change the day my husband left his earthly body for his heavenly one. Our identity is what stays true about us when all the circumstances change. When everything is stripped away. We could take the time to look at the life of Joseph, Esther, Job and so many more. Let me ask you. What in your life is making you feel like your identity has been stripped away or like you’re losing yourself? It’s so very human and normal to define our identity by what we do and the daily things that our lives revolve around. Hence, the wrestling. When things start to shift and change, we feel unstable; unsure. That needs to be a warning, like a check engine light, to re-evaluate how tightly we are holding onto gifts, plans, jobs, people, and expectations. All of these things, yes, even people come and go. We can’t let those things be the anchor of our souls. They can’t be our everything or our hope. That space in our heart is reserved for and only fully satisfied by Christ. If I hold too tightly to what is, or for me what was, I will miss out on what could be.

      I recently heard the someone say, “be present where your feet are.” My past roles and my marriage and my ministry and my memories aren’t unimportant. They aren’t forgotten. They are a huge piece of who I am today. They will always maintain real estate in my heart. But it’s not the whole picture. It’s not the future. It’s the rearview mirror perspective, not the windshield view. I am in the middle of my story. I have to surrender this to God repeatedly. I have to choose to let go of my plans and my expectations and what I thought my life would look like, and lay at the feet of my kinsman redeemer with a heart that’s ready, so that when my Emmanuel leans in and says, “who are you?” I can answer with clarity, peace and even joy, “I am Bekah, your maidservant. Let it be done to me according to Your plan. What do you have for me next?”

**For a deeper dive into these characters and Bekah’s story, visit her substack page: https://substack.com/@bekahfurches

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her facebook author page, Write Where You Are

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