The Brain and Grief: Social Disconnection

 The Brain and Grief

Social Disconnection

Part Four

      We live in a rapid, fast pace world of information.  We have long forgotten the days of dial up internet (I remember the good old days and the ring tone as you connected), when you were only able to talk on your cell phone for free certain hours of the day, you were limited in your texting, and when we used a phone that was connected to the wall (gasp and shock).  I vividly remember my grandfather having a rotary dial phone on his wall for many years.  You would drag the circular area and pull it to the desired number.  Imagine texting on that bad boy.  We are a connected society and complain when our connectivity disappears.  Recently I was visiting Zanzibar on a vacation.  There was a tense election that resulted in the country shutting down all internet and cell phone service for a week.  People were panicking at the resort (to be fair with you, so was I).  People didn't seem to know what to do with their hands.  Their phones quickly became paperweights that also served as a camera.  The connection was cut off from the rest of the world and people suffered. 

      Today's blog is going to focus on a part of the brain that plays a significant role in social functioning.  This is the fourth of a seven part series examining how grief affects the brain.  As a reminder, I am not a therapist or a counselor, but I am a man who has carried the heavy weight of grief for over two years.  I'm not speaking from a classroom or from theory, but instead from life experience.  Grief is a whole body experience that doesn't just affect us, but it affects our relationships with other people around us.  The part of the brain that helps us process and regulate our social experiences is called the Anterior Cingulate Cortex, or ACC for short.  The ACC sits in the center of the brain and basically serves as the central traffic control hub for the brain.  This part of the brain is very uniquely affected by grief.  This part of the brain also processes pain.  It is also in this part of the brain where grief is almost identically registered the same way as a broken arm or an injury.  This part of the brain doesn't classify a difference.  

      It's this part of the brain where we get the phrase broken hearted.  The brain processes grief pain similar to physical pain.  It causes a heaviness, a hurt, and fatigue.  It also this part of the brain that can cause actual feelings of chest pain and heightened heart rate.  I personally have experienced what is labeled as broken heart syndrome.  Grief caused my heart rate to rise rapidly along with my blood pressure.  It also brought about panic attacks.

      But the purpose of this particular post is to see how grief can affect our socialization.  The ACC works in conjunction with other areas of the brain to help us be social creatures.  Grief literally heightens our experience of social pain which complicates social interaction and makes conversation feel more intense and draining.  A lot of grieving people start to self-isolate, not necessarily because they want to be alone, but because conversation and relationships are extra taxing on them emotionally.  What does this look like on practical level?  It typically comes forward when the grieving person is intentionally avoiding texts, phone calls, and going out with friends.  We mentioned earlier that grief can cause forgetfulness, but this isn't simply forgetting, this is intentional.  The person sees the call or the text and chooses not too respond because it might make them feel drained.  It's important to remember that the grieving person is already pouring from an empty cup and something as simple as a text exchange or phone call can be draining.  A grieving person will often makes plans but the thought of going out is almost unbearable.  The idea of being around other people and having to answer questions sounds so hard.

      Another way this translates into daily life is when the person already feels lonely but still chooses solitude.  I experienced this early in my grief journey.  At about the six week mark I felt a strong desire to withdraw from friends and family.  I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to communicate, I didn't want to be around people in general.  This was a stark change in my character because I am typically a social butterfly.  My normal extroverted personality was struggling to interact with other people.  People at this moment start to back away from others, not because they are mad at them or dislike them, but instead because socialization just feels heavy.  A grieving person would rather lock the door, pull down the blinds, and retreat into isolation.

      I want to make this clear, grief itself doesn't typically stop people from wanting connection.  But instead it can create a temporary change, or rewiring of the brain, making people feel like solitude is safer, easier, and less demanding then engaging with other people.  A grieving person will openly state, at times, that they feel safer alone.  

      I currently live near the woods and cell phone service in my old house can be sketchy at best.  Connection can be difficult, fuzzy, and sometimes it makes the person that I'm talking to sound like a robot.  A video call can be challenging because it makes the person's image look like a toddler was finger painting.  Grief can affect the ACC that way too.  Grief can make social connection feel almost like another source of pain, and the brain intentionally avoids pain.

      Grief can negatively affect the brains the desire to socialize, but we are created by God to be social creatures.  A lack of community increases depression, deepens grief, prolongs healing, heightens anxiety, and increases the likelihood of suicide.  The longer a person self isolates the harder recovery will come.  God gives us a theological blueprint right at the start of the Bible.  Genesis is the foundation of a lot of things, including human relationships.  God declared, prior to the fall, that it wasn't good for man to be alone.  This speaks directly to marriage but it's deeper then that.  God never intended for Adam to be alone, nor does He intend for us to be alone.  Church is always vitally important, but never more so then during loss and grief.  The temptation exists to avoid the gathering together of God's people, but the grieving person NEEDS this community, desperately.  The church is built to be a community of the redeemed and they best function as the body of Christ when they are serving the hurting.  They can cook meals, help take kids to school, mow the lawn, and provide much needed community in those moments.  Grief makes us want to push away other people, but a note to other people who are loving the grieved, don't stop pursuing our hearts.  Yes, we need space, but it's not good for us to be alone.  We might not know it yet, but we need you.  Don't give up on us.  Don't throw the white flag in.  Pursue us.  If you are grieving, please hear my words.  Isolation doesn't help.  It only complicates your healing.  You need good people.  Let them in. Let them be the hands and feet of Jesus.