The Brain and Grief: When Joy Fades

 The Brain and Grief

When Joy Fades

Part Five

      The year 2020 was one that was worth forgetting for most of the world.  We wore masks, socially distanced, sat on front porches far from our family, we all became home school parents, and feelings were at an all time high.  Covid hit each family differently.  For some families it was more political, others more personal, but no matter what, Covid's long reaching arm touched each person.  Covid hit our home in December 2020.  Tragedy had already hit our family with the passing of my father in law.  He was one of the most influential men that I ever met.  He loved the Lord and cared deeply about his family.  It especially affected my late wife Tiffanie.  His passing was a shock.  Her emotions and body were already worn thin, and the night of his funeral she started to feel sick.  It didn't take long to realize that it was Covid.  It hit her HARD.  It laid her out, lowered her oxygen level, made her lips blue, and caused unending body aches.  I also got Covid, but my symptoms were a bit different.  I had the severe fatigue, but I also lost my sense of taste and smell.  I had never experienced that before.  I vividly remember the kids having Bean Boozled jelly beans from Jelly Belly.  I ate every flavor (booger, fish, rubber tire, etc) and none of them registered in my brain.  My kids thought it was a super power.  I temporality lost my love of food.  I was eating because I had to, and boy did you find out weird things about food textures when you can't taste.  It's so strange to loss one of your senses.

      Grief also dulls some of our sensations too.  This is part five of a seven part series about how grief affects the function of the brain.  While I'm not a therapist or a counselor I can say that I have experienced grief in it's heaviest stages.  Grief is a whole body experience.  It goes against God's intention when He created mankind.  God created Adam in a pristine, perfect world.  A world that was changed with the introduction to sin.  Mankind wasn't only separated away from God, but mankind also felt the affects of their sin emotionally and physically.  Grief seems unbearable and heavy because God's intention wasn't for us to experience such heaviness.  God designed us for worship, fellowship, love, and joy.  

      Joy.  The brain creates a special chemical called dopamine.  This is the chemical that floods our brain to feel joy, pleasure, anticipation, rewards, and happiness.  We love when this chemical hits our brain.  It almost always creates an external response.  It happens when we look forward to seeing someone after an extended time.  Right now I'm in a long distance marriage and I only get to see my extended family about once a month.  I can feel the increase of dopamine as I get closer and closer.  Or maybe you feel that rush of positive emotions after a good meal, hearing that you did good on a job, laugh, and it even comes when we worship God.  God designed the brain to respond to life, relationships, beauty, purpose and connection.  But grief interrupts that pathway.  It almost put a construction sign on the brain as it tries to register joy in the midst of grief. 

      The brain goes into overdrive, seems confused, and cannot find a way to quench the desire to see or be with the person who passed away.  The brain starts to focus solely on survival, not joy or happiness.  Joy becomes something that a grieving person desires and fights for, but struggles especially in the earliest stages of grief.  A person can feel like nothing will ever make them happy.  For me personally, I would tell you that my world felt grayer, darker, and like the sun didn't shine quite as brightly as it once did.  This emotional numbness can cause a person to not laugh at certain situations, it can make it harder to smile, can cause social withdrawal, lack of excitement, and even disinterest in hobbies.  Let me give you an example.  I was an avid Lego collector for over ten years.  I built hundreds of sets.  It gave me such joy and fulfillment.  My love for Lego evaporated overnight when she passed away.  The brain responds to grief the same way that a person going through withdrawal does.  It's painful, it's hard, and bleak at times.  It can prevent a person from seeing the future, making plans, or maybe even make them feel like they are simply going through the motions.

      The brain is juggling, trying to find a way to respond.  This is difficult for everyone, but I think a Christian struggles with this in a unique way.  Most Christians that I meet openly admit that they know they should feel joy, but they just don't.  It's an inner war between emotion and the Holy Spirit.  It almost feels cruel at times.  Most Christians acknowledge that they should feel more thankful or have more faith.  Some of them feel like they lose their connection with worship and prayer during this time.  Some would openly admit that they just don't find joy in living anymore.  Grief isn't just an emotion and it's not weakness.  It affects the body, nervous system, and even our souls.  Scripture talks about this unique experience in Psalm 38:6, which says "I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning."  Or in Psalm 13 David says "How long, Lord?  Will you forget me forever?"  This isn't just a new experience or a major scientific breakthrough.  God's people have felt the pain of grief since the beginning.

      How do we respond when our dopamine level drops?  Sadly most people don't respond well.  This is the stage of grief where people try to find coping mechanisms that are harmful.  They try to find a counterfeit joy, or as I would more properly call it, artificial comfort.  What are some examples of harmful responses?  Overeating (or emotional eating), substance abuse (drinking and drugs), endless scrolling of social media, spending an irregular amount of money, pornography, gambling, overworking, and the list could go on and on.  Each of these things send a message of joy and happiness....but none of them are actually fulfilling.  They actually create an unnatural addiction that the brain craves for, but can never be truly filled.  This is a temporary relief for a wounded soul.  It's like putting a Band-Aid on an amputation.

      So how can a believer respond with this grief assault on the brain? How can we avoid the pitfalls of harmful coping mechanisms?  What do we do?  First, if you have fallen prey to these harmful comforts, don't give up.  Don't quit.  You might feel like you are losing, but God is still faithful.  He wants to help restore you, to comfort you, and to lead you from these things.  I'm not making excuses and I can't call it anything other then sin, but I can also tell you that as a grieving man (or anyone grieving for that matter) I understand your temptation and desire to feel joy and happiness.  You deserve those things...but through the right channels and paths.  Don't sell yourself short and don't give in to counterfeit joy.  Pursue the heart of God.  And again, if you fail, get yourself back up, trust the Lord, and keep pressing forward.  Give yourself grace.

      I think another anchor that a believer needs to cling to in those moments is that joy isn't merely an emotion that fluctuates, but instead it is a fruit of the Spirit.  Paul speaks about the fruit in Galatians chapter five.  Joy is the second mentioned in the list.  Admittedly grief can interfere with the brain's ability to feel joy.  I won't deny that, BUT it CANNOT remove the presence of the Holy Spirit nor the inner workings of God in the life of the believer.  Joy is way more then dopamine.  The fruit of the Spirit is deeper then brain chemistry alone.  The joy that you have is held by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Let me give you an example.  I recently married Leslie.  Les lost her husband a few months before Tiff passed away.  Les and I still worship God, even on the hard days, even when we feel numb.  Something shows up bigger then our grief.  Or sometimes it's a quiet faithfulness.  It's seen in still loving God, trusting God, leaning into His promises, and knowing that joy isn't a normal emotion, but instead an inner function of the Holy Spirit.

      So joy might seem far away right now.  You might feel numb and like you are failing the Lord because you feel like an emotional mess.  But lean into Him.  Find joy in the simple things, find joy in knowing that you are a child of God, rescued and redeemed from sin.  Cling to Jesus, He is the source of all true and lasting joy.