The Financial Fiasco: The Cost No One Talks about

 

The Financial Fiasco: 

The Cost No One Talks About

      I was recently having coffee with a widower and we were recalling some of the things we never expected after losing our spouse.  One of the things he said was "Nobody told me grief would be expensive."  Finances is one of the quiet areas where loss sneaks up on you.  One of the reason why is that you don’t plan on losing your spouse.  You take a 'death do us part' vow, but we never really think about someone actually passing away.  To complicate matters is that the grieving person isn't thinking clearly.  They are not running on all cylinders, but despite that fact they are asked to make major financial decisions, typically alone.  These conversations are hard enough when a man is at his best, but post losing a spouse he is at his worst.  He can barely remember where he parked his car, let alone being asked to pay out thousands upon thousands of dollars.  He's scared, not thinking clearly, and yet he is forced into a realm of major decision making.

      If I were to take a poll of what most people think about becoming a widower, most people would probably think about loneliness.  They think about empty beds, silent dinners, and painful anniversaries, and that is a huge part of bearing the weight of loss.  But what they rarely think about is the financial earthquake that follows.  For many younger widowers, losing a wife is not only an emotional crisis, it is a financial disaster.  The bills don't stop.  A matter of fact after a spouse passes away the bills multiple, in huge digits.  My sweet Tiffanie's medical bills would have topped 750,000 if we didn't have insurance.  BUT, we did have insurance but still have to pay co-pays and deductibles of $7,000, not to mention other co-pays, not to mention an ambulance ride that cost thousands of dollars, not to mention a genetic test that was five figures.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Death comes but that doesn't stop mortgages, cars payments, kids still need clothes, car still need repaired, groceries need purchased (and for the average widower, he isn't gifted at cooking, so he goes out to eat more often which costs more money).  All of this falls onto the shoulders of one grieving man.  It's not fair, but nothing about death, grief, and loss is fair.

      Let's look at some simple numbers to help understand how loss can hurt the bottom line of our finances.  For younger couples, the loss of a wife often means the loss of one-third to one-half of the household income.  Consider a family earning $80,000 annually, a husband earns on average $50,000, a wife earns on average of $30,000.  The moment a wife passes away, the family loses 37.5% of it's income overnight.  Families that make more money typically find themselves taking a higher financial hit because both spouses are working full time and their incomes are closer in number.  But you might be saying, what about a stay at home mom?  You would say, that family didn't have a financial hit.  Not true.  Childcare in America averages out to around $30,000, so while the wife might have stayed at home, she was saving her family money by taking care of her children.  Now a grieving husband has to pay for childcare, which literally takes a majority of his income, and puts an emotional strain on his children who, while enduring grief, now have to go to daycare.  But that's just the price of childcare.  Researchers today estimate the total cost of transportation, meal preparation, household management, and other important responsibilities falling into the $40,000 to $60,000 range.  The income disappears, but responsibilities start mounting.

      One of the cruel realities of widowhood is that expenses rarely fall as much as income does.  That's a tragic fact.  A family may lose 40% of its income while only reducing expenses by 10-20%.  But guess what, a mortgage payment remains the same, property taxes remain, insurance remains, internet bill remains, cay payment is still there, and the lights and water needs to stay on.  Many widowers quickly discover they are living on significantly less income while carrying nearly the same monthly obligations.  Many of them have to downsize, move, try to get out from being underwater on a car payment, or sadder yet, fall into crippling credit card debt.

      Then comes a bill that I hate even writing about, but it's a bill that no one talks about.  The funeral.  According to national funeral industry data, the median funeral with burial costs approximately $8,000-$12,000, and often exceeds $15,000 when cemetery expenses, headstones, flowers, and related costs are included. Even cremation services commonly cost several thousand dollars.  Tiffanie's total funeral bill was over $20,000. Without life insurance I would have been in financial ruin.  Here is the thing about funeral home expenses, they arrive immediately.  Most funeral homes requires a payment before services are completed.  Read that again.  I know that a funeral home is a business, but it's so painful to the grieving person to know that their lost loved one is all of a sudden considered a business to be profited off of.  Imagine trying to make $10,000 worth of decisions while your world has just collapsed.

      Many families place funeral costs on credit cards, drain savings accounts, or borrow money from relatives simply to bury the person they love.  Let's dive into this.  If I would have put Tiff's funeral expenses on a credit card and only paid the minimum on the card, it would have taken me 30 years and nearly $60,000 total. I would have been 70 paying off Tiff's funeral expenses. Studies show a majority of Americans would struggle to cover funeral expenses without taking on debt, and most do.

      The funeral is only the beginning.  After the death of a spouse, widowers often face medical bills, legal fees, estate administration costs, childcare, travel expenses, counseling costs (which are not always covered by insurance and if they are only about six sessions are covered), lost work time, and reduced productivity.  Tasks that you and your wife shared now belong to one, exhausted and gassed man.  You become a handyman, accountant, scheduler, chauffeur, cook, bus driver, disciplinarian, emotional support system, butler, teacher, etc all while grieving.  Just typing that exhausted me.  How do you feel after reading that?

      Grief affects more than emotions, but emotions are typically what the average outsider sees.  But it affects decision making while your concentration decreases.  More tasks are demanded of you while your productivity and memory is failing.  Some widowers miss work. Others change jobs. Some turn down promotions because they simply cannot carry additional responsibility, and there isn't a right answer to any of those situations.  The loss of a spouse can create a financial spiral that lasts for years.  This is one reason many widowers say the financial burden surprised them almost as much as the grief itself and many of them never talk about it.  

      Most couples spend more time planning vacations than preparing for death.  That sounds so morbid, but it's true.  One thing that losing Tiff taught me is that death is not a possibility, it's a certainty.  That sounds so cold, but it comes from a heart of experience.  No one likes discussing life insurance, but I'm glad that Tiffanie and I did.  It was one of my saving graces.  If you are a married couple without life insurance I recommend you to stop reading right now and start talking about life insurance.  DO.  NOT.  PUT.  IT.  OFF.  There are others things like creating a will that's hard or planning a funeral.  Those are two things that Tiff and I did while she was dying.  That is a heavy conversation to have while your spouse is alive and well, but it's incredibly heavy to have when you are already emotionally thin and now you have to talk about death and life without them.

      But preparation is one of the greatest gifts a husband and wife can leave each other.  Ask yourself, do we have adequate life insurance?  Do we have an emergency fund? Does my spouse know where our accounts are? Do we have a will? Do we have beneficiaries updated? Would my family survive financially if I died tomorrow?  I get it, these are some really uncomfortable questions, but they are acts of love.

      The financial pressure of widowhood is real.  But so is God's faithfulness.  Many of the  widowers that I have worked alongside can testify that God provided in ways they never expected.  They talk about their church, or how people raised money, or provided meals, or a friend that paid a bill, or an unexpected gift that arrived in the mail, or a job opportunity that opened up, or a need that was met at precisely the right moment (miracles straight from heaven).

      God never promised an easy road.  I can attest to this by experience, but He did promise His presence.  Psalm 46:1 says "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."  Paul wrote in Philippians 4:19 "And my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Or another powerful verse in Psalm 55:22, which says "Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee." Widower, if you're reading this while wondering how you'll pay the next bill, know this, despite your circumstances, you are not abandoned, you are not forgotten.  The same God who cared for widows and orphans throughout Scripture still cares for them today.

      Losing your wife will be the greatest emotional pain you ever experience.  For many men, it also becomes the greatest financial challenge they have ever faced.  Prepare now (yes, now.  If you are married then you need to make a date night to talk about this).  Have the difficult conversations.  Buy the life insurance.  Write the will.  Build the emergency fund.  Organize the documents.  Not because you lack faith, but faith teaches you wisdom in preparing for future storms before the clouds come.  If you're already living through the financial fiasco of widowhood, remember this, the bills may be overwhelming, the future may feel uncertain, but God has never failed His children yet.