Getting Honest with God and Your Grief

 Getting Honest with God 

and Your Grief

  Psalm 62:8, Psalm 34:18, Lamentations 3:17-24, Psalm 13

      I grew up on the glorious day of hot blacktop on a school playground.  Playgrounds are sort of like the Hunger Games at times.  There seems be different districts fighting for their own form of dominance on the concrete jungle.  Elementary playgrounds aren't just filled with swings, dodgeball, tetter totters, and slides.  It's also filled with insults that are flung back and forth.  One insult that was tossed out when your honesty was questioned was "Liar, liar, pants on fire."  Mic drop sound effect inserted here.  If it was an especially deep cut they would continue with hanging on a telephone wire.  There is nothing that hurts more then hearing insults, especially when your honesty is being questioned.  Sometimes maybe we did lie, other times were didn't.  But being condemned of lying is hurtful.

      Kids on the playgrounds aren't the only ones that can make insults of being liars.  Grief can also make us liars.  Let me explain.  Oftentimes in our grief journey we will have people ask us how we are doing, and as men sometimes we aren't very truthful in our response.  My sterotypical greeting that I give to people is that I'm alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic.   I used that phrase during Tiffanie's cancer journey, and the only part that was true about that greeting was that I was alive....but just barely.  So, what are some untruthful responses that we have given?  Why do you think we do that?  Maybe we are uncomfortable with telling them how we are feeling.  Or possibly we aren't sure how they will respond.  Or for some of us, we simply don't know how we are feeling.  We are numb.  But we dress up the truth and make it a lie.  We rarely tell someone that today is a hard day.  We don't invite a lot of people behind the veil of grief saying that I'm struggling.  We would rather lie to the stranger instead of inviting the friend to see what is actually going on in our hearts

      There are a variety of different reasons why we aren't honest with people, and most of those reasons for not being honest with other people typically isn't very good, but sometimes that spills into our walk with God too.  Sometimes we feel the need to come before God with strength and pretend that everything is ok.  We feel like we can't invite God into the moments when we are confused, hurting, angry, confused, or even bitter.  We feel the need to dress up our grief with God and display a fake, fragile faith by telling God, I'll ignore how I feel and pretend that it's not real or valid.  That's like telling a firefighter who just arrived at our home that was consumed in fire that everything is fine, that we've got it covered, that nothing is really wrong!  NO WAY.  

      But we do that with God.  As men we struggle to get honest with God.  Sometimes we fear being honest with God about how we feel would make us weak, and do a degree it does.  We are weak.  Becoming a widower has taught me exactly how frail and feeble I am, BUT it has also taught me about how strong God is.  Grief has a way of leveling our own strength.  I know I experienced that early in Tiff's cancer journey.  Everything that was fake or of me quickly melted away.  I felt so weak.  Every facility, eevn my soul felt like it was ready to crumble.  Then when emotions were colliding on the shore of my soul I felt the need to not tell God about the erosion and inviting Him to help.  Instead I wanted to 'man up' and press through the grief.  That was a cosmic sized mistake.  But as my strength failed me I found that His strength became more and more dominant.  

      Grief and loss have a way of pulling certain things to the surface, things we didn't even realize were there buried deep down inside of us.  Things that we as men are typically very good at suppressing in the deep places of our life...a place that can only be broken open by grief.  Grief exposes those areas.  Things like the sleepless nights (whose been there), the empty chair, and the sudden  tears come without warning, and each and everyone one can feel overwhelming by themselves.  God isn't looking for us to have a brave face, to pray some sort of polished words that are counterfeits, or to silence the emotions that are currently being waged against us.

      How can we walk through this deep battle with being honest with God?  Anchoring ourelves in God's Word is one way.  A verse that help keep me afloat was Psalm 62:8.  I was familiar with that verse, BUT I hadn't fully realized the depth of my need for it.  The Psalmist wrote "Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."  Before reading another sentense I want you to take a moment and read that verse and spend some quality time with it.  It's worth setting it into the treasure trove of your heart.  The verse makes it clear that God is truthworthy.  We can take anything to Him at anytime.  That's why he writes "at all times."  God's available every second of the day.  He doesn't sleep nor does He slumber.  Then He invites us to pour out our hearts to Him.  What a beautiful invitation from the Lord.  He wants us to cast our cares onto Him.  And He is our refuge, our safe place.  Our sacred place.  This is one of those verses that isn't meant to just be read off a piece of paper, but instead a verse meant to be lived and practiced.  Trust Him.  He is unfailing.  He is never unavailable.  He has never failed.  He welcomes whatever your feeling without condemnation or judgment.  He understands the condition of His creation.  He knows our humanity becasue His Son stepped out of glory and bore flesh for us.  It's okay to get honest with Him.

      God isn't looking for a performance my brother in grief, He isn't looking for you to fake it till you make it or trying to put on a tough face.  He is asking for your heart, that's all. The Psalm says pour out your heart.  I want to talk about that word pour for a moment.  The word pour here can mean to offer something as a sacrifice.  God is asking for us to give our hearts as a sacrifice, as worship to Him.  Yes, your heart.  Your hurting, broken, confused, shattered heart.  God says pour it out to me.  God wants that broken heart.  Most people around us are repulsed by our broken heart.  The one thing I've learned since joining grief ministry is that most people are not drawn to it like they are other ministries.  They simply don't understand what your going through, meanwhile God says pour out your heart.  Don't try to dress it up or fix it first, He simply says, GIVE IT TO ME!

      Charles Spurgeon wrote "To the Lord unburden your soul" and then he wrote "To keep our griefs to ourselves is to hoard up wretchedness."  Let's unpack that quote for a moment.  What does that mean, to hoard up wretchedness?  To hoard means to hold onto something.  The phrase usually is used with the accumulation of wealth, but in this case we are talkign about our own wretchedness.  How do we do that?  Let me answer that with a question, can you be honest with God about what your feeling and fighting?  Yes.  He already knows.  Plus you would be in good company.  I want you to look at these passages below and write down who is speaking or writing in these passages.

            Psalm 13:1

            Job 10:1

            Matthew 27:46

      God has placed a welcome mat out for each of his children to be honest about what we are going through.  My grandfather used to have a sign on his front porch that said "Ammunition is too expensive, don't expect a warning shot."  He said that it seemd more effective then haven't a sign that said no solicitors.  God doesn't have a 'no solicitors' sign on the door to heaven, He doesn't search your heavy bags of emotions and make you check your grief at the door. He doesn't look at what your going through and say, "you better lighten your load first" or "come back at a more convenient time."  He can handle your questions.  He can hold your tears.  He can take our anger, our confusion, and our pain.  Read that again out loud.  HE CAN.  He isn't pushing you away, but instead in Psalm 34:18 it says that He draws near to the broken in heart!

      God welcomed the day I threw stones into the creek in the backyard due to anger and frustration.  He welcomed my doubts, fears, instability, and insecurity. God's big enough for your doubts and questions.  God doesn't want us to fake it.  Biblical lament is proof that God invites us to bring our raw, unfiltered pain to Him.  We confuse lament with weakness sometimes.  Lament isn't a lack of faith, instead it is a deep act of trust.  Faking faith leads to hidden bitterness against God.  When we get honest with God about our grief, we make space for Him to meet us where we are, not where we should be.  In that place of honesty with God we can find profound healing.

      Discussion questions: 

            1. What's something you've been afraid to say to 

                God about your loss?

            2. Why have you harbored that feeling?

            3. How might being honest with God open you up 

                 to healing instead of bitterness?

      Reflection: 

      Write down your own Psalm/story/poem telling God exactly how you feel about your grief.  Be honest

      Prayer Prompts: Take your Psalm that you wrote and pray it to God outloud.  Ask God to help you to be honest with Him.