Writing Your Chapter Two: Are you Ready? Questions No One Asks Out Loud

 Writing Your Chapter Two

Are You Ready? 

The Questions No One Asks Out Loud

      "Is everyone ready?"  Those are the last words out of my mouth before we go on a family road trip, and more then likely the answer is no despite multiple warnings.  As a family of seven there are a lot of things to get ready before finally putting the car in reverse to go down the drive way, and sometimes it means driving down the street only to turn around to find out that we were not ready.  Five kids require a lot of readiness.  Things like making sure everyone has their shoes on, that everyone indeed did use the bathroom, because if this box isn't checked, we will be visiting the gas station right down the street.  Leslie will be packing snacks, water bottles need to be filled, GPS needs to be programmed. It's amazing how the older children can say "I'm ready" while they are still getting ready.  I give this illustration to let you know that life changing journeys often do not begin when everything is wrapped in a perfect bow of readiness.  Dating after loss can feel the same way.  Most people are waiting for a feeling of total completion, waiting for grief to 'expire' in order to press forward.  But that isn't quite how it works.

      This is the second article in a series about dating after loss.  The series focuses on challenges that a grieving person feels when they start dipping their toes into the dating pool again.  This article focus on one of the most common questions widowers and widows ask, "How do I know when I'm ready to date again?"  It's a fair question and a very healthy one.  It shows maturity because they realize that dating is a very big decision.  This isn't something cavalier.  But, unfortunately, there isn't a simple answer.  It's not always clear and can feel like a pendulum swing depending on the day and the hour.  There is no timer that goes off after six months, a year, or five years. There is no verse that says, "After this amount of time, thou shalt begin dating again." There is no checklist that perfectly determines whether your heart is ready for another relationship.

      What makes this even more difficult is that people around us often have opinions or 'suggestions.'  Some will think you're moving too fast.  Others will think you've waited too long.  Some will quietly cheer you on.  Others may question your motives.  Others will try to hook you up with someone that they knew from years prior (I had that happen, and while it was flattering, it was also startling).  The truth is that readiness is far more complicated than a date on a calendar.

      One widower may be emotionally healthy and ready to pursue a relationship after a year or less then that. Another may need several years before he's in a place where dating would be wise. Grief doesn't follow a predictable schedule, and neither does healing.  Each person's grief journey is unique, so also is their healing journey.  Grief doesn't follow a linear line.  If you have been following my blog then you know that grief often looks like a toddler finger painting.  Some people are genuinely ready after a few months, others are never quite ready.

      But there are some questions worth asking yourself before you begin pursuing someone else.  Not the questions people usually ask.  The deeper questions.  The questions most of us would rather avoid.  Let's dive into some of those questions but let's not treat them like a box the needs checked but instead more of a caution to heed.

      The first question that begs to be asked is if I am really looking for love.  That might sound like an oxymoron because if you want to date you probably have already convinced yourself that love is what you are seeking, but is it?  Is love one of your primary motivators, or is it relief?  Let that sink in for a moment.  Maybe that question caught you off guard for a moment.  Take your time with it.  I know I had to ask myself this question when I met Leslie.  Was I looking for love or relief?  Was I looking for someone to merely transfer my emotions on?  Loneliness is one of the hardest parts of widowhood.  We wrestle with empty chairs, a quiet house, daily conversation that is gone, lack of physical affection including sex, the weight of carrying life alone, and missing the depth of a spiritual relationship with a spouse.  Those above realities make companionship feel incredibly attractive, but loneliness can cloud our judgment.  Sometimes what we think is love is actually a desperate, deep seated desire for relief.  Let me give a specific example.  I belong to multiple widow/widower pages and an almost daily discussion is the desire to have a sexual/intimate relationship again.  The battle is known as widows fire (I wrote an article about this).  A lot of grieving people start dating simply looking for a bed partner to put out that fire, only to find out life is more complicated afterwards.  They add guilt to unresolved grief, which makes the heart weary and the mind more fragile.  It add an extra barrier to healing.

      One of the healthiest things we can do is to admit that we are battling loneliness.  We need to say that out loud and put that into the open space. The danger comes when we expect another person to fix what only God can heal.  Read that again.  Maybe write that down and put that somewhere you can see it on a regular basis.  A relationship may ease loneliness, but it cannot heal grief.  A relationship can be part of the healing process, it was for Leslie and I, but it cannot be the catalyst for healing.  If you're looking for someone to rescue you from your pain, you may be asking a new relationship to carry a burden it was never meant to bear.  And by doing so you add an extra, unnecessary burden to that person.

      A second question to gauge readiness is am I running from grief, or am I walking through it?  Dating should not be an escape hatch from grief.  There is a difference between healing and escaping.  There are a lot of escape hatches to avoid grief.  Most widowers drown themselves in work, hobbies, some of us immerse ourselves in ministry, some into coping mechanisms which harm us, and other people will dive head long into relationships.  Anything, and I mean literally anything can become a distraction if we're using it to avoid what God is trying to do in our hearts, souls, and minds.

      Some people use dating as a means to try to out run their grief.  But let me tell you something that might startle you a little big, your grief will eventually catch up.  Healing happens when we allow God to meet us in our pain, not when we find creative ways to avoid it, and avoid it is something that we wish we could do.  We yearn to avoid grief at times.  That doesn't mean you must be completely finished grieving before dating, far from it. If that were the requirement, none of us would ever be ready. Grief doesn't disappear.  I was still grieving Tiffanie when I met Leslie.  Leslie was still grieving Sam when she met me.  Our new relationship didn't magically wave a wand to make grief disappear.  We blended new love with grief.  Grief will be a burden that you bear all your days and expecting a relationship to make it go away is both unfair to you and the person that you desire to date.  While it doesn't go away, there needs to be ways that you are currently learning to carry your grief in a healthy fashion.

      One of the biggest questions is can I talk about my late spouse?  Notice that I didn't say talk about my late spouse without crying, because I think tears will always be a part of the equation.  Tears are not a sign of weakness, but of love.  I've met widowers and widows who were decades removed from loss and still cry when they talk about their spouse.  Tears are healing, they are therapeutic.  But maybe the questions needs to be better asked, can I talk about them without falling apart.  The question isn't really do I cry, but does grief still dominate every corner of my life.  Yes, grief will exist, but is it a teacher or a master?  Questions that you can ask yourself are "Can I remember my spouse with gratitude along with sorrow?"  Or "Can I speak about them without comparing them every new person I meet (basically, can I distinguish a difference between my late spouse, and who I'm developing feelings for)?"  "Can I honor their memory without being trapped by it?"  These, along with countless other questions are signs of healing or possibly stagnation.

      Dating after loss has a lot of traps.  Years ago I had to use a box trap to catch racoons.  It was safe, no one was harmed, and the animal was always rehomed somewhere else.  But no animal is simply going to walk into a box trap without bait.  There are traps to stepping into dating and one of the biggest ones is asking a huge question, am I looking for a replacement for my spouse?  That's a trap with bait, but it won't end well.  Let me be transparent with you, no one will replace your late spouse.  That person was uniquely crafted and made by God for you.  There are things that were so distinct about Tiffanie that no one would ever be able to duplicate.  I would never be able to find another Tiffanie, but I want you to hear this, and I don't mean this to be cruel, I didn't want another Tiffanie.  That's not a hit against her because she was a great, wonderful, loving wife.  She was a fantastic mother with more gifts that you can imagine.  But I knew, right away, that Tiffanie didn't have a twin, and I needed someone fearfully and wonderfully made by God for me.  Would there be similar things?  Yes.  I needed someone who loved Jesus, wanted to serve Him full time, wanted to love children, etc.  Those were traits that were non-negotiables.  You will find the same thing.  There will be things that are distinct about your late spouse and then there will be things distinct about who you desire to date.

      Let me repeat myself for a moment, no one can replace your late spouse.  No one should.  Your future relationship is not a sequel starring a different actress.  She cannot just fill in the role that your late wife filled.  This is an entirely new story.  Different person.  Different strengths.  Different weaknesses.  Different experiences.  Different relationship.  If you're searching for someone exactly like your spouse, you're searching for someone who doesn't exist.  Healthy dating begins when we stop looking for replacements and start appreciating people for who they actually are.  Each person is a one of one, not replicable.

      Perhaps the most important question isn't whether you're ready.  Perhaps it's whether you've brought your heart honestly before the Lord.  Psalm 139:23-24 says: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  What if readiness begins there?  Not with a dating app.  Not with a relationship status.  Not with the approval of others.  But with an open heart before God.  Ask God to help you see what your real motives are, to help you find blind spots that your emotions might be blinding you from seeing, to help you distinguish between loneliness and readiness, to lead you.  Make those things prayer prompts on a daily basis.  Ask the Lord to search you out, to dig deeply into your life.  To create the necessary space for wisdom over feelings.  To give you courage.

      Just by asking the question of if you're asking whether you're ready, that may actually be a good sign.  The people who get into the most trouble are often the ones who never ask the question at all and rush headlong into a relationship.  Let me give you a few last pieces of advice, readiness isn't perfection.  If you are looking for perfection then you are setting yourself up for singleness the rest of your life.  Readiness isn't having all the answers (to be fair, you don't even know all the questions to ask).  Readiness isn't being completely healed, but going through the healing process.  Readiness is a growing awareness of your own heart and a willingness to allow God to shape it for the next adventure.

      Brace yourself for this.  Sometimes the answer to am I ready to date isn't a yes or a no, sometimes it's a not yet.  And that's ok.  God is not in a hurry, nor should you be.  The same Shepherd who has faithfully walked with you through your grief so far is fully capable of guiding you into whatever comes next.  Maybe it's a relationship.  Maybe it's contentment being single.  Maybe it's just a journey to deeper healing.  No matter the response, trust God with the questions and with His reply.