Writing Your Chapter Two: A Battle with Purity

 Writing Your Chapter Two

The Battle With Purity

      One of my favorite movie series of all time is Lord of the Rings.  I could binge watch the trilogy over and over again.  It's the first thing I look for in a long overseas flight.  The only bummer is that they only show the theatrical version, not the extended version (if you know, you know).  If you haven't watch it I recommend that you do that right after reading this blog.  It will be life changing.  One of my favorite scenes is the battle of Helm's Deep.  The rain started to fall through the night as thousands upon thousands of Uruk-hai gathered outside the walls of Helm's Deep.  They were stained with the white hand of Saruman, the white wizard to who betrayed his friends.  The defenders behind the wall were exhausted, outnumbered, and painfully aware that none of them would survive the rising of the sun.  Yet not a single one suggested opening the gates and surrendering.  Those men were going to fight because there was something worth fighting behind those walls.  The treasure was human life.

      Every arrow loosed, every sword drawn, every desperate stand on the battlements declared the same truth: some things are worth defending, no matter the cost.  Some battles are worth fighting, no matter how daunting they may seem.  This is the next installment in a series on dating after loss.  We know are going to enter a touchy subject, we are going to talk about the battle for purity after spousal loss.  This battle is unnatural to a widower because his intimate life, and by intimate I don't mean just sex, I mean the ability to be touched, hand held, gentle massage, playful flirty was a normal part of his life, and now, well well, it's gone.  He now has to fight urges that used to be predictable, now he feels like desire is an army laying siege to his heart.  And that heart is already weary from grief, the walls are already weakened.  The longing, isolation, and physical desire seem to attack him from every direction.  There are nights when surrender appears easier than standing firm.  What is a widower do to in these moments?  How can he stand when the intensity of this battle rages against him?  First he needs to understand that some battles are worth fighting.  They are worth fighting because what lays behind the walls.

      Buckle up as we prepare to talk about this subject.  This topic might make you feel uncomfortable, maybe make you feel defeated, or might speak your voice on a matter no one seems to talk about.  The subject of sex is one that no one wants to talk about in grief, BUT it is without a doubt one of the most talked about topics in online grief groups.  It's called widow's fire.  I wrote about it in a previous article, but I can assure you that it is VERY real and a huge struggle.  I find it ironic that in grief ministry we often about about the affects of grief, things like loneliness, healing, introducing children to our new love, dating again, pressing forward, etc....but we don't talk about one of the most beautiful things that God created for married couples.  Sex.  Yes, I wrote the word.  It's not a dirty word and shame on you if you think it's dirty.  It's a divine creation by God not just for procreation, but for pleasure.  It's a means of worship that a married couple can have to the Lord.

      And since we keep this subject under lock and key like some kind of great secret or treat it like a dirty thing we rarely talk about temptation after loss.  We rarely talk about what many widowers and widows experience after loss. If you've experienced it, you know exactly what I mean.  Widow's fire can sound like a strange term, but it refers to this intense emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual longing that people experience after loss.  Notice that I included spiritual and emotional.  Sex is WAY more then just intimacy.  It is giving yourself fully over to another person and in marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the entire world.  

      Widow's fire can appear quickly.  Sometimes it emerges months or years later.  Sometimes it surprises people who never struggled with this area prior.  And for many believers it creates tremendous confusion.  We ask questions like 'why am I feeling this way?' or 'what's wrong with me?' or 'shouldn't I be grieving?' or possibly 'why does my body seem to be moving in one direction while my heart is still healing?'  I want to assure you of something.  You are not crazy for feeling this way.  You aren't broken.  And you aren't the first person to ever experience this.

      I have pastored in very conservative Christian churches.  Our theology can be really solid, but our conversation over certain subjects can be quiet lacking.  One area we fail are miserably is intimacy.  One of the mistakes Christians sometimes make is treating desire itself as sinful.  It isn't.  Let me repeat that again.  Desire itself is not sinful.  Let me ask you a question, who created sex?  God did.  Thank Him for that.  So, who created sexual desire?  God did.  A healthy marriage should foster strong, passionate sexual desire for one another no matter how old you are.  God created a bond between a husband a wife that they and they only can share together.

      For many widowers and widows, intimacy was a healthy and beautiful part of marriage.  For others, their intimate life was anything but ideal.  Some men hadn't experienced intimacy in their marriage for years, and I'm not talking about men in their sixties or seventies.  I'm talking about men in their 20's and 30's.  No matter the frequency of your sex life, when death comes you loss that part of your life and by no fault of your own.  Your avenue to sexual fulfillment disappears...but desire doesn't go away.  Why?  Because you loss isn't just emotional.  It's physical, it's relational, and it's deeply personal.  You are human.  It's understandable that you feel it's absence.  Your desire for intimacy doesn't make you less spiritual and it doesn't mean that you are 'sinning' just by having a desire that God defaulted into our life.  The question isn't if the desire exists, the question is what to do with it.

      After loss, several powerful forces often collide at once.  These forces bear down on one another at full speed, none willing to slow down to the others.  These forces are grief, loneliness, stress, fear, physical longing, the desire to feel connected, the desire to feel wanted, the desire to feel handsome, the desire to feel alive again, even if just for one second.  These things can conjure a perfect storm.  What starts are emotional connection can quickly become physical attachment.  Dating requires extreme wisdom, especially for wounded people looking for meaningful relationships.  It can create a maze of decisions that require you to trust the Lord by faith as you navigate desire.e"

      One of the common thoughts widowed people wrestle with is this: "I was faithful in my marriage. I'm not a teenager. Why should this be such a big deal?"  I get that.  100% I get that.  I was faithful to Tiffanie for fourteen years.  I understood commitment, covenant, sacrificial love.  They battle now is that your relationship status is different.  You are not married to the woman you are dating.  You.  Are.  Dating.  Read that slowly.  There are different rules for dating couples versus married couples.  Dating is not marriage.  Our standards cannot change as Christians merely because our circumstances have changed.  God designed sexual intimacy for the confines of a marriage covenant.  Why did God do that?  Was He trying to withhold something good from you?  Was He being unfair?  No way.  He did it to protect something valuable.  You might not believe this but your sex life matters to God.  You can't afford to think that his boundaries and standards are punishments.  They are protection.

      Perhaps you've already crossed lines you wish you hadn't crossed.  Maybe you became physically involved in a relationship.  Maybe you've compromised in ways that now fill you with regret.  Maybe you're carrying guilt as you read these words.  If that's you, I want you to hear something clearly.  Failure is not the end of your story.  Please read that again.  The enemy is the father of lies.  When dating again he will peddle two lies to you.  The first lie is that purity doesn't matter.  If that lie fails then he will tell you that once you've failed there is no point in trying again.  Both are false.  The same God who calls you to be holy and pure also offers forgiveness.  The same God who set standards also extends mercy.  A God who convicts of us sin can also restore us.  1st John 1:9 tells us "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

      We often look at what the verses says, but I want to examine what the verse DOES NOT say.  It doesn't say, "Hide."  It does not say pretend, or give up.  Instead it says that we are invited to come to Him when we mess up, when we sin.  There is grace in this passage, a grace that is greater then all our sin.  This isn't fake grace, but real grace.  The passage doesn't give us permission to walk away from God.  It's not a 'sin freely' card.  But instead it is the divine opportunity to begin walking back toward Him for restoration.

      Many widowers and widows struggling alone and go into isolation due their shame as they battle with purity.  They hide.  They suffer in the quiet places of their souls that no one sees. And I know that this blog is primarily dedicated to men going through spousal loss, but women also struggle with these temptations.  This is not a gender issue, this is a heart issue.  Both genders carry this shame privately, and in turn their struggles grows stronger and stronger.Healing Is Better Than Hiding

      Healing rarely happens in secrecy.  Healing happens when trusted people enter the conversation.  It's hard inviting other people into this sacred space when we talk about intimacy, but a TRUSTED friend or counselor can walk alongside you and remind you that you are not alone.  Invite a pastor, a mentor, a mature Christian friend, a counselor, or a therapist.  I would love to walk alongside.  It needs to be someone who can offer a balance of truth and grace at the time.  It needs to be someone who won't make excuses but it also needs to be someone that doesn't condemn you when you fail.  You need someone to be like a sign post pointing you back to Christ again and again.

      If you're in a dating relationship, don't wait until temptation becomes overwhelming to discuss boundaries, I would even recommend writing them down so you have a point of reference. Have those conversations early.  Have honest conversations.  Create safeguards for both of your purity.  Pray about this matter together.  If you desire to date again then this needs to be treated as a team.  Another huge point is to avoid situations that consistently lead to compromise.  I would imagine that somewhere along the line in life you set 'red lines' on how far you are willing to go intimately with someone, and you either crossed the line or got real close to it.  In those moments we move the red lines further and further until there are not boundaries at all.  These boundaries can feel restricting because previously you didn't really have any fences to sex.  You can get frustrated in those moment, you might even wonder how in the world can you struggle with this temptation as a mature Christian.  You probably feel like a failure and a disappointment to Jesus.  But hear me out, you are a human being.  I'm not making excuses, but in all reality most people don't stumble into sin because they intended to.  They stumble because they assumed they were stronger than they really were.  You haven't been in this situation for possibly decades.  Be cautious, don't throw caution to the wind.

      It's a battle because the world will tell you that 'if it feels right, do it."  That is the anthem of a broken, shattered world.  But it's the antithesis of what God says.  God's Word teaches us that "If gods says it's right, trust Him."  Those two paths do not lead in the same direction nor destination.  Now let me say this, God's way is not the easiest pathway in this area.  A matter of fact it can feel like a rock climb up a flat surface.  But this is the path that produces peace.  I'm reminded of Star Wars and how easy it can be to turn to the dark side.  We can have conflicted feelings as we battle.  The feelings of what we want versus what's right.  It's like a tug of war.  But let us pursue that path of peace, not temporal pleasure, not temporary relief, but instead a lasting peace.  A peace that comes from knowing we are walking in step with Him, one step at a time.

      Brother, you are not alone in this battle.  If you look closely you will see other men in the foxhole of this fight together.  Many have walked this road before you.  Most have stumbled, some have fallen, some are even still struggling at this very moment.  But they all share something in common, they all need grace.  Grace was never meant to be the lower standard, but instead it was given to us as a gift to help us reach for it again and again. 

      So, if you are finding victory in the battle, remain vigilant.  Don't become slack in well doing.  Don't rest on your laurels.  Keep being the watchman.  If you are struggling, seek help and counsel.  If you fallen, get back up.  The battle is not over.  You might have lost the day, but the battle still belongs to the Lord.  God is looking for your heart to be surrendered to Him, and a heart that surrenders to God finds victory on the battlefield.  I want to close with this thought, the same Savior who has carried you this far in your grief journey will also carry you through this temptation.