Writing Your Chapter Two: Introducing Someone New

 Writing Your Chapter Two

Introducing Someone New

       Did you ever have a moment in life where you wish you could redo something?  Hit the rewind and go back in time.  There are countless examples in sports, none probably as memorable as a missed field goal during Super Bowl XXV.  The Buffalo Bills were pitted against the New York Giants.  The two teams had very different styles.  The Bills were an offensive machine, scoring the most points in the NFL that year.  The Giants were the exact opposite.  They were stalwarts on defensive, keeping teams to the lowest amount of points scored.  It was a slugfest with both heavy weights throwing punches at each other.  Two minutes remained in the game and the Bills were trailing 20-19.  Bills kicker Scott Norwood entered the game to kick a 47 yard, seemingly game winning field goal.  The audience was at a hush as Norwood booted it with all his might, but sailing wide right.  The Giants took over and ran the clock out winning their second Super Bowl.  The Bills would go on to play in the next three Super Bowls, losing all of them, and never coming as close as they did during Super Bowl 25.  Norwood spent the rest of his career wishing he had that chance back.

      Dating after loss has some moments when you wish you had a redo, when you shank it far right. This particular blog is one of those regrettable moments for me.  This is the fifth part of a series that focuses on love after loss.  We will delve into the subject of when we start introducing our new love to other people.  This is a normal question, but one often fraught with sensitivity.  It happens after a few dates, a few phone calls, a few dinners, a growing and flourishing connection.  Once the relationship become serious when it transitions from a private matter, to a more public matter.  Family will want to know, friends will start asking questions, and people will start to notice.  Suddenly you are thrown into a situation of wondering who should know?  When should they know?  Do they really need to know?  How much should I share?  What about social media?  What about church?  Gulp, what about my former in-laws?  These questions create a surprising amount of stress, not because there is a right answer or you need to earn anyone's approval, but it's because everyone has an opinion.

      Let me invite you into my folly to help teach you a lesson.  I started to develop feelings for Leslie and my children were the first to know.  I talked it over with them to make sure they were aware.  I didn't ask for their approval per say, but I found them encouraging me.  The big question was, how in the world do I introduce her to my late wife's family.  That thought scared me.  Tiff and I's family had always been close.  They were like a second family.  I didn't want to hurt them or add grief to their grief.  But I knew I needed to let them know about the entrance of someone else in my life.  I didn't have to do that though, because my children did the dirty work for me.  One day they introduced the word Leslie to them.  I could see the confusion on their face, the shock, and to be honest, the pain.  I missed the extra point by at least a mile and I felt guilty.  It has created an unusual tension to this day despite Les and I getting married months ago.  I wish I could do that part over.  I wouldn't change meeting Les and falling in love, but I would 100% change the way she was introduced to Tiff's family.

      Now there is some very good news for you, God did not appoint your friends, relatives, and social media followers to manage your relationships.  That task belongs to you.  I feel it also important to remind you that not everyone needs a front row seat to your new relationship, though I'm sure that the front row will be plenty full at times.  One of the healthiest lessons that I can share with you is that not everyone needs immediate access to every part of your life, to be fair with you, most people don't need access to any area of your life.  Your private affairs are exactly that, private.  The social media age doesn't do well with privacy because everyone feels the need to announce everything, to the very smallest detail.

       I know this was hard for me because I use social media often to promote my ministry and to recruit prayer.  Tiff and I enlisted an army of people praying over social media, of which we had no regret.  We invited people into our feelings, victories, defeat, and even her death.  Some people use social media to announce things, others do not.  Both are perfectly fine and both come with their own pros and cons.  But, be warned, once you make relationships official online, once pictures are posted, and statuses are updated, people will start commenting, critiquing, silently (or maybe not so silently) judging you.

      One of the dominant themes of this series has been the word wisdom.  There is wisdom in allowing your relationship to develop before inviting the entire world into it.  A relationship should be built on trust and commitment, NOT public approval.  Remember, you don't owe the internet an announcement.  You don't owe distant acquaintances an explanation.  You don't owe every curious person a sneak peak or a detailed update.  Healthy relationships, built on Godly wisdom, grow best when they are nurtured before they are displayed.

      Let's talk about friendship for a moment.  The definition of friendship changes after losing your spouse.  You quickly find out who will sit with you in sackcloth and ashes and those who were merely there for fun.  Grief digs deep, lasting relationships.  I vividly remember my best friend sitting with me in the darkest nights of my soul.  Moments when life was held by a thread.  Moments where I was ready to throw in the towel.  He saw me at my worst.  Friends are beautiful because they see things that we miss.  They know your strengths, your weaknesses, they have prayed for you and care deeply about your well being.  Friends can be a tremendous blessing during this season.  Trusted friends provide an invaluable perspective in life and their wisdom needs to be heeded when dating, BUT remember that they don't make the decisions in your life.  Listen to wise counsel and pay attention to concerns.  Friends can help you see your blind spots, but don't surrender your responsibility to make prayerful decisions simply because they have strong opinions.  They aren't you.  They haven't had to walk a single step in your shoes, let alone the miles you have walked in grief.  Don't be surprised if some friends aren't happy with the news of your dating.  Don't be surprised if some of them drift away.  That's ok.  Sadly some friendships are only built for seasons, not lifetimes.  And that's ok.   

      Now let's transition the conversation to something with a little more gravity....introducing your new person to your family.  That thought can feel incredibly intimidating.  Sometimes family will be excited...others will be the exact opposite of excited.  Others might still be grieving and are confused, so their feelings are tempered because they simply just don't know how to emotionally respond.  Others feel like you are replacing your late spouse....others feel like they are being forced to replace them too.  It's important to remember that your family may need time to adjust as you once needed time to adjust.  Everyone is at different places on their grief journey.  Your new relationship and their hesitancy to accept your new love simply means that you are further along in your grief journey then they are, and that's totally fine.  Their feelings are real.  BUT, and I would recommend you underline the word but, their feelings are not the final authority over your future.  As one family member told me, "Matt, it's your life."  They were right.  It's your life (hopefully you aren't like me and sang that in a Bon Jovi voice).  You can be compassionate without being controlled by others.  You can listen without being swayed to surrender your choice or question it.  You can honor your family's emotions while still pursuing the path God is leading you toward.

      Friends and family can create heavy conversations, but none can quite compare to the weight of conversation with former in laws.  In every way I still view Tiff's family as my in laws.  Her siblings are still my brother and sister in law, her mom is still my mother in law.  I love them like family because, well, they are family to me.  But this introduction for a widower is very complicated.  The relationship of pressing forward isn't complicated, but the conversation with their family can feel that way.  You honestly don't know how to start the conversation.  It feels like a pin in one hand and a grenade in another.  You aren't sure if there is a way to win.  Should you introduce your new relationship to them?  Do they need to meet her?  Do they deserve to know?  Will they feel hurt?  Will they feel betrayed?  Do you already feel exhausted emotionally from just reading those questions.  One of those questions are heavy, the collection of them feels immense.  It can be even more difficult if you maintained a close relationship with your late wife's family.

      Let's first understand this basic truth, your former in-laws are not your enemies (or at least, they shouldn't be).  Remember they lost someone too, the same person that you loved so deeply.  The woman you lost was your wife.....but they lost a daughter, a sister, a family member.  Their grief matters, their emotions matter.  Their adjustment may take time, if it comes at all.  Compassion is important, but it is not the same as obligation.  You are not required to seek their permission to move forward with your life.  Your life after all is, your life.  You do not have to gain their approval before pursuing another relationship, though guilt will weigh you down thinking that you will need to.  You are not required to arrange introductions on someone else's timeline. You are a grown adult and you are held responsible solely to God for your choices.  Not your former in-laws.  Not public opinion.  Not before extended family.  Only before God.

      If you choose to introduce a new relationship to your former in laws, please do so from a place of love and respect, not from guilt, not having to back peddle.  And also know this, if you choose not to, that is your decision to make also.  Some widowers maintain close relationships with their former in-laws the rest of their days.  I know that I my goal with Tiff's family.  Others though drift apart over time.  But most find a middle ground somewhere in between.  This isn't a one size fits all model.  Each grief is different, each family different, each situation different.  There isn't a ten step plan to this.  What matters most of all is that your decisions are guided by WISDOM (notice that word again), honesty, and grace.

      Widowers can add stress to their life by spending far too much time trying to manage everyone else's emotions, responses, or concerns.  We have walked through deep valleys of hurt and disappointment and because of that we are attune with not wanting to hurt others.  That's called empathy, and in my opinion some of the most emphatic people are widows and widowers.  We have loved and lost, and through that we are able to understand other people's deep pains and walk alongside the broken.  The problem becomes allowing that empathy to cause guilt in our own life.  We feel guilty for feeling happy and pressing forward.  We cannot allow our desires to not hurt others people cause unhealthy guilt.  That unhealthy guilt cannot be the driving force to our decisions.

      There are terrible guides in this life.  Last year I had the joy of visiting Uganda with Leslie.  She was a great guide.  She knew the streets, the culture, and the people.  There are other times when I traveled that I met guides that were anything but helpful.  Guilt my friends is a terrible guide, and yet we allow is to cast light to our path.  Compassion is a good guide, kindness is a good guide, empathy is a good guide, and patience is a good guide.  But guilt often keeps us trapped between the past and the future.  It creates a state of perpetual immobility.  God never asks us to remain 'stuck' in order to keep others comfortable.  That might sound harsh, almost like an 'ouch' moment, but it's true.  God calls us to walk forward faithfully.  That path isn't always easy.  Sometimes it requires difficult conversations that don't end quite the way you wanted them to.  Sometimes people won't fully understand or be supportive.  That's okay.  Following God's leading never requires universal approval.

      There is always a danger in trying to win the approval of other people.  The Apostle Paul writes about this in a much deeper spiritual sense in Galatians 1:10, which says "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people?"  In this case Paul is dealing with the Church of Galatia which had abandoned the Gospel for false teaching.  This shocked Paul.  Paul makes it clear to the people that his approval rested solely on God.  It was to God alone that Paul was held accountable and that he would continue to preach the Gospel, no matter what people said, because Paul wasn't there to appease men, but to honor God.  Paul is talking about preaching and teaching and the importance of the Gospel.  But the question that he asks can be used as an application to those of us who are dating after loss, and it is a challenging question.  As widows and widowers we worry if others will approve, understand, be supportive, think we are crazy, and those are natural questions for bystanders.  But the greater question needs to be asked is whether we are walking in integrity before the Lord.  If we are actively seeking Him, acting wisely, and pursuing relationships honorably, we can truth Him with the reactions of others.

      Introducing someone new is the first domino that will fall, but it's not the only one.  It starts a series of conversations.  It opens up the book to a seasons of adjustment and change.  Some people will celebrate with you immediately.  Some people will need time.  And just a warning, others will never fully understand.  You probably will lose people because you are dating again.  I hate to be that blunt, but it's true.  You cannot control any of that.  My theory in my life post Tiffanie has been to just do the next right thing.  That has been the principle of a dear pastor friend of mine.  I take the next right step of wisdom, humility, honesty, and confidence as God leads me.  

      I don't need everyone's permission to write my next chapter.  I don't need thumbs up, hearts, or likes on a social media post.  I don't need an unanimous family vote, and I don't need the authorization of my former in laws (though each of us craves and prays for those things).  You simply need the courage....the bravery to follow the Lord as He leads you.  Because, at the end of the day, this is their story to write....it's yours.