Writing Your Chapter Two: When the First One Isn't the One

Writing Your Chapter Two

When the First One Isn't the One

      One of my favorite things to do in the entire world is cook.  I'm not content with simple meals.  I like to practice with making more complicated things, making things from scratch. Of late I've picked up the hobby of making my own pasta noodles and my own pasta sauce.  The sauce is made from my tomatoes and herbs.  I also make my own salad dressings, peanut butter, ice cream, and much more.  Cooking can be a trial and error experiment.  Some things turn out great, other things make a call to the local pizza place necessary.  Most people who have dated can attest that there is a trial and error in dating too.  Most of us start in our teen years and needless to say, we haven't mastered the technique of human relationships yet.  We lack the emotional maturity  to be able to sustain a relationship.  The result sadly is a trail of failed dating experiences.  I'm sure that each of us have our own horror stories.  Things that now make us laugh or cringe, or possibly both at the same time.

      Dating after loss can be even more complicated then dating in our teen years.  This is my third article in a series that talks about the challenges of dating during widowhood.  Stepping back into the arena of dating can be scary and for many it feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.  The first person you date after losing your spouse is a major life event.  For many widowers, it feels like crossing a line they never thought they would cross.  When we got married the thought of dating again never crossed our minds.  We were thankful that we never would have to play the field, feel the awkwardness of asking for someone's phone number, and my goodness, the first date.  The nerves and excitement almost overwhelm you.  

      Dating again, while being scary, can also be quite exciting.  You get butterflies when you get a text message from them.  A smile crosses your face that you just can't seem to explain.  Your heart starts looking forward to seeing that person.  It almost beats out of your chest with anticipation.  The first time they graze your hand, a feeling that you have been craving for quite some time.  The feeling of your lips being kissed.  Or, the first time you catch yourself imaging a future that includes another person.  Future.  That word stirs a whole new sensation in the heart of the mourning person.  They thought the future was over and that joy would never return.

      What many widowers don't realize is that the first person they date after loss often carries far more emotional weight than the relationship itself deserves and despite the 'feel good' emotions, there are a lot of complications and baggage hidden under the surface.  But why does it bear more emotional weight?  It's because of what it represents.  It represents life, hope, possibility, a future that once seemed impossible.  For the first time since your loss, you're not just surviving, you're imagining what it might look like to live again.  And that can make the first relationship feel larger than life, in both good and bad ways.

      When a starving man is handed a meal, he doesn't spend much time critiquing the menu.  He's just grateful to eat.  Widowers can sometimes approach relationships the same way.  There is a very real danger of confusing a person with a feeling.  After years of caregiving, grief, loneliness, and isolation, simple companionship can feel extraordinary, almost magical.  It's like all the birds have started singing again, it's like your steps are lighter.  A phone call becomes meaningful.  A shared meal in public feels special.  A woman who listens can feel like an answer to prayer.  And perhaps she is.  But sometimes what we're falling in love with isn't the person.  Read that again.  Make note of it.  Sometimes it's the feeling of being alive again.  It's the relief of not being alone.  It's the comfort of having someone care.  Those feelings are real.  They are valid.  They are 100% legitimate, BUT they aren't enough to build a lifelong relationship, especially after loss.  The question isn't simply, "Do I enjoy being with her?"  The question is, "Am I seeing her clearly?"  Those are two very different questions.  Love can blind us, especially after loss.  Loss makes love blind, and love by itself is already blind.  

      Tiffanie and I entered into our marriage with no experience of being married.  That's how first marriages work.  You are novices, beginners.  It's like the first day of kindergarten.  You had no idea what school looked like.  You are like unworked clay.  Now, after loss, we're stepping into a completely different season.  You have graduated, some of us have earned our advanced degrees due to the length and beauty of our first marriage.  But dating again, especially after years has changed.  It's like graduating when there were type writers and going back to school now with I-Pads and laptops.  I think of my dad who still uses a flip phone, never used the internet, nor has he ever fired up a computer.  He would struggle with education now.  The same can be said about dating.  The dating world has changed, a lot.  I know that it changed a lot for me and Tiff and I were only married 14 years.  Not only has the dating world changed, so have we.  We are more complex creatures due to our first marriage.

      Think about this for a moment.  Your first marriage usually helped define you.  You weren't fully formed yet.  Your opinions, convictions, thoughts, hobbies, weren't even developed yet.  You created a life with that person that you became who are today as a team.  Entering into a second marriage is harder because you have more defined positions, you are less pliable, you are more 'you.'  It's harder to date now because we are probably more rigid then we were years prior.  Let me give you an example, as a married couple you discovered things like 'am I a cat or a dog person' or 'beach or mountain person' or 'what temperature do I like the house to be.'  Those things didn't matter prior to your first marriage, but they did afterwards.  It's going to be harder now to find someone because we are more defined.

      The first relationship after loss often becomes a classroom where we learn things about ourselves that grief has hidden.  We have to relearn what we are looking for, what we need.  We learn where we are in our healing journey and we learn where we still have deep seated wounds.  We might also discover that we have unhealthy expectations or we find out that we have fears that we didn't know we harbored.

      One of the hardest truths for a widow or a widower is that not every relationship is a forever relationship, even if we might want it to be.  The relationships might even be a good one, but it might not be what is God's best is for our life.  You might meet a woman who is kind, godly, compassionate, and wonderful...and that woman still might not be the right person for you.  I'm not saying that you overly question that first relationship, but I'm saying that you need to be cautious and discerning.  Your heart is not something to be trifled with, nor is the person you are dating's heart supposed to be played with.  Many widowers carry an unspoken pressure into this new relationships.  They are afraid that if this relationship doesn't work that they will have to start over.  Or one of the most common responses is 'I don't know if I can survive another heartbreak.'  This one is very significant because a relationship that doesn't work out adds grief to grief and in some cases exposes unresolved grief.  There are others emotions that widows or widowers might experience with complicated relationship, things like I don't want to disappoint my kids (or their kids too if they have children), or I don't want to lose this chance, it might be my only chance. 

      A word of major caution if you are getting ready to step into dating after loss or maybe you are dating now, fear can cause us to hold onto relationships that aren't healthy simply because we're afraid of being alone again.  Please do me a favor and read that again.  If this were printed I would encourage you to highlight this or write it down so you can read it again and again.  Holding onto the wrong relationship will NEVER create a right one.  Sometimes God allows relationships to teach us, to prepare us, to reveal to us areas where we still need healing.  Not every relationship will become a marriage, but that doesn't make it a failure.

      We need to be on guard against comparison.  That sounds easy, but it's incredibly difficult.  Your late wife knew you at your best and your worst.  She knew your history because she helped create it with you.  She literally was the co-author of the history of your life.  She knew your quirks.  She knew your mental frailties.  She knew your habits, strengths, weaknesses, what you hide from everyone else.  That is the kind of familiarity that can only be built over years.  A new relationship is totally new, it starts at the beginning, not a continuum of the past.  The new person hasn't read the previous chapters, they probably know little to nothing about you, BUT before of your previous marriage you almost expect them to know details about you.  It can feel so awkward and uncomfortable.  There is a temptation to compare every detail.  Most men would say "my wife would have understood" or " my wife would have done this differently" or "my wife would have cooked this differently" or "my wife would have never done that."  Comparison creates an unnecessary competition that the new person will never win.  And the truth of the matter is this, she shouldn't have to.  God is not sending you another version of your late spouse.  He's bringing you a completely different person.  They are distinct, unique, and hand crafted by the Lord.  They are not carbon copies.  There are certain things that my late wife Tiffanie brought to the table that Leslie can't bring, and then there are things that Leslie brings that Tiff would never bring.  The same can be said about me compared to her late husband Sam.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am not Sam, she is not Tiff.  The goal is to have healthy relationships, and healthy relationships grow when people appreciate others for who they are, rather than measuring them against who they aren't.

      How many of you have ever heard the phrase, move at the speed of light.  That's even faster then Superman who flies faster then a speeding bullet.  Relationships at times can move faster then the speed of light, which typically, but not always, isn't best.  I advise you to let your relationship move at the speed of wisdom.  There is a two-edged sword to widowhood, a blessing and challenge, many of us know exactly what we want.  We aren't interested in games, we don't want endless casual relationships, we've already experienced marital bliss and commitment and we want that again.  But we have also experienced loss.  Because of those things widowers can move quickly, sometimes too quickly.  

      The average widower remarries within less then one year of losing his spouse while the average widow typically waits for an estimated three years.  70% of widowers remarry while around 25% of widows remarry.  I want to put the spotlight on men for a second.  Men typically do not do well with loneliness.  We were not made to be alone, we were made for community.  The average man also typically struggles with domestic responsibility and taking over the dual role of being a mom and a dad at the same time.  Sometimes his desire is more to have a caregiver in his life then it is to have a lover and best friend.  The relationship might feel right and the connection might even feel strong.  The possibility of a future might even exist, BUT Proverbs 4:26 says: "Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways."  Strong feelings are not bad.  A matter of fact you should have strong feelings.  But don't allow strong feelings over ride wisdom and the clear leading of the Holy Spirit.  God rarely asks us to ignore our hearts, BUT He also asks us to submit to Him first and foremost.

      One final thought, if you're dating someone right now, perhaps this article isn't meant to make you fearful.  It's meant to make you thoughtful.  The first person you date after loss may become your spouse.  Many beautiful stories begin that way.  It was that way with me.  Leslie came into my life and we were married fifteen months after Tiffanie passed away (eighteen months after her Sam passed away).  But, the person you meet might not be 'the one.'  And that's okay too.  The goal isn't simply finding someone.  The goal is for you to become the kind of person who can build a healthy relationships with God first, and then when God provides you with the opportunity you will be aware of it and ready for it.  Your first relationship might last six days, six weeks, six months, or a lifetime.  No matter the length, God can use it.  He wastes nothing.  Not your grief, not your story, not your healing, not your mistakes, not even your disappointments are wasted on the Lord.  Trust Him enough to take the pen of your story and write it.