Writing Your Chapter Two: When Kids Are in the Room

 Writing Your Chapter Two

When Kids Are in the Room 

      Math has never been a strong point in my life.  I started struggling with math when long division came onto the scene.  O' the dreaded remainders and having to carry numbers.  And then we started adding the alphabet to math.  Why do I need to know what x equals in a problem?  I yearn for the days when math was a simple one plus one equals two.  That's the kind of math that I can excel at.  A math that doesn't involve flash cards or rote memorization.  Dating after loss is complicated math though.  For most young widows and widowers the equation of two people falling in love isn't one plus one equals two, in my case it was one plus one equals seven.  That doesn't sound like it makes mathematical sense, but it does make dating sense in a post loss world.  Dating after loss is rarely just two people.  That is one of the most glaring differences between dating in your twenties and dating after widowhood.  You have children, which changes the landscape of dating as a whole.

      This is the fourth article in a series that dives into the subject of dating after spousal loss.  This is a much needed, but typically very sensitive subject for widows and widowers alike.  Navigating the dating world can feel like you are walking through a labyrinth, and one of the greater complexities of dating is when you have children.  When you're a widower with children, every relationship affects more than just your heart, it affects their hearts too.  It even affects them when they are sitting at the table when you are on a date, or when they aren't part of your conversations, or even before they know the person's name.  They might not physically be in the room, but their presence is still felt, their grief is still carried in your heart.  You carry with you their hopes and fears too.  The last article focuses on moving at the speed of wisdom, and wisdom demands that you don't just think of yourself when you dip your toes into the dating pool, but you think of your greatest treasures, your children.

      One of the mistakes adults make is assuming our children grieve the way we do.  They don't, nor should they.  They are children.  They haven't fully developed their emotions like we have.  We struggle despite life experience and maturity, imagine their poor world.  Children often process grief in waves.  One moment they can seem fine while another moment they aren't.  They might be angry, withdrawn, weeping, and the next moment laughing and playing.  Children move in and out of grief differently than us adults.  Another layer of complexity is if you have multiple children ranging over different ages.  My three children have six years between them.  My oldest grieves much differently then my youngest.  My daughter is getting ready to entering puberty, which means her emotions can be messy because of the change of life that she's enduring.  And, not only do the ages add complexity, their gender does too.  My boys have grieved a little more quietly, while my daughter still has multiple times a week where she cries and needs help.  There is nothing wrong with how they are grieving.  One isn't right, one isn't wrong.  One other point that I want to make is that children are incredibly resilient in the face of grief.  

      It is because of these complicated emotions that they will respond differently when they find out you are dating again.  Some children will be excited, some hesitant, some curious, some scared, some of them will feel angry or like you have betrayed the memory of their mom/dad.  Some feel all of those emotions at the same time.  Their reactions are not always a reflection of your decisions, but instead they can be a reflection of their grief in that moment, and that is 100% legitimate and needs to be respected by you.

      There are a lot of fears that you carry into a new relationship, and let me assure you there are a lot of quiet fears that your children might have, some of them they might not even realize or be able to verbalize to you.  I know my own children have wrestled with some of these fears, fears that are expressed as questions, questions like, if Dad loves someone else, does that mean Mom is being forgotten?  Now my three haven't come out and said those exact words, but through conversation I could tell that they were genuinely worried about that.  But other times they will express themselves in other ways.  Possibly through resistance, withdrawal, a change in attitude, or silence.  Their inner battle is a battle of loyalty.  They feel a tug of war because by allowing someone else into their life feels like they are letting go of someone else.  They still love their mom and miss her.  They can feel like loving someone else somehow betrays or dishonors their mom.  But at the same time they want you to be happy, so they might begrudgingly go along with the new relationship, swallowing their own personal feelings just so you can be happy.

      It is tantamount that you take the responsibility of reassuring your children seriously.  Reassurance isn't a single act, but ongoing acts, done repeatedly.  They will probably need to hear the same phrases from you frequently, not because they forget, but because they need the calm assurance from a steady parent.  They need to know that no one is replacing their mom.  I made that clear to my three when I started dating again.  I assured them that no one would ever be able to replace their momma.  I also would tell them things like nobody can erase her memory from their life.  A matter of fact I encourage them to remember things.  Just a side note, the person you are dating should also encourage and welcome those conversations too.  Also remind your children that love is not a limited resource.  I told my children frequently that our hearts have a lot of love to give to people.  I used the example that I didn't have to stop loving one of my children less when another one was born, instead my heart grew in capacity to love more and more.  I gently reminded them that loving someone new does not mean that I have to love Tiffanie any less.  A matter of fact I frequently tell them how much I love Tiffanie still to this day.

      In a previous article I wrote about the traps of dating again, and one of those traps that a grieving parent can fall into is looking to their children for approval.  Pause.  Don't stop reading yet.  I know that phrase might have caught you off guard, but please, keep reading onward.  The temptation is to ask them questions like, "Do you think I should date her?" or "What do you think about this?" or "Would you be okay if we got married someday?"  Children should have a voice in your relationship, without question, but you can't place the weight of your decision making on their little shoulders.  They aren't meant to carry that kind of weight.  They are already bearing a lot, don't add more to it.  Let me be honest with you, I broke that rule from time to time.  I wanted my children's approval to date Leslie, and they did approve, they actually encouraged it, which was helpful, but it doesn't always work that way.  Your kids should indeed have a voice....but not the final say.  They are not adult and they need a father more than they need a committee chairperson to vote on matters that they do not fully understand.  Yes, listen carefully to their concerns.  They might see things that you won't see.  Pay attention to their feelings and create a safe space for them to voice their feelings.  Take their fears seriously, BUT never force them to make decisions that they just simply aren't equipped to make.  You wouldn't give you five year old a power saw, nor should you give your child the keys to your dating relationships.

      Kids don't always communicate with words.  Behavioral therapists spend a lot of time with children to not just study their words, but how they act, through play or behavior or other outer stressors.  A child's words can be deceptive.  They might say they are fine, but in all actuality, they aren't.  Pay attention not just to their words, but also to their emotions and responses.  Are they coming more anxious?  Withdrawing more?  Are old grief issues resurfacing?  Does it seem like they are regressing?  Those aren't necessarily signs that you've done something wrong or that you shouldn't pursue this relationship, but it's just a reminder that dating affects the whole family dynamic.

      Last time I wrote about moving at the speed of wisdom.  Now I want to look at moving at the speed of the most vulnerable heart in your home.  Not the fastest or the most excited, the most vulnerable.  In your excitement to establish a new relationship you might forget that children often move at a different pace then what we do.  They need time.  Time to process.  Time to ask some really investigative questions.  Time to build trust.  Time for adjustments to be made.  Healthy relationships are healthy because they involve everyone's feelings and make everyone feel like they are included.  You stepping into the realm of dating isn't so much about a finish line as it might be a marathon.  

      One of the biggest challenges when you start dating is balancing two very legitimate desires.  Your new relationship can be time consuming, and rightfully so.  That can be hard for a child to adjust to.  They are used to having all of you, now they have to relearn how to share you, or possibly learn for the first time ever to share you.  This can cause tension and potential resentment.  Your child still needs to know that they are a  priority, while also giving yourself time to fall in love.  This is a tightrope act, and one that takes some time to learn.  It might involve late night phone calls after the kids are in bed, keeping your promises to your children when you say you will do things with them while building dates with your new love.

      While you do this you need to remember that your first responsibility remains unchanged.  You are still a parent.  Long before you become a spouse again, you are, and always will be their parent.  Now that doesn't mean that you give the keys to your relationship over to your children allowing them to dictate every aspect of your future.  No.  But it does mean that their well being must remain a part of your decision making process.  Healthy relationships are build on this principle.  You, nor the person you are dating should ever view children as obstacles.  Instead your children (and theirs, if they have any) need to viewed as blessings.  A godly person will recognize children as part of the calling that God has given to you.

      One of biggest questions that gets asked is when do I introduce my children to who I'm dating, and to be fair with you, there isn't really a right or a wrong answer.  There is always a concern that you introduce them too soon, and there is another concern that you might wait to long.  It's a tender balance and needs to be weighed by each family differently.  You want to be honest without overwhelming them.  The best example I can provide is learning how to swim.  Most parents don't just throw their child into a body of water watching to see how they swim.  They take steps, slowly but surely.  Introducing your new person can be viewed the same way.  Some children are great swimmers right away, others take time.  Dating needs to be treated the same way.  There will be trial and error, and a need to show balance to your needs and their needs at the same time.  Patience is key during this time, but it can be trying.  It reminds me of the words of Master Yoda as he was trying to train Luke, "I cannot teach him.  The boy has no patience."  Be patient.  Don't let your excitement get before what's best for them.

      Scripture mentions a beautiful principle in Proverbs 22:6, which says: "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."  We often apply that verse to discipline and instruction, and rightfully so, but I think it teaches us something a little bit deeper, something that as a parent we might miss.  God has entrusted the care of our children's souls to us.  That is a sacred and serious task, and nothing can ever take precedence of that.  The God of heaven, who knows all things, has given us the privilege and honor of shepherding our children's hearts.  Every decision that we make teaches them something, good or bad.  Our children will be watching the choices we make in the area of dating, they will, unbeknownst to us, put us under the microscope.  The way they date will probably mirror the way that we date.  We will be teaching them about love, trust, relationships, and most importantly, about God.  Let me give you an example.  I am a hopeless romantic.  I am a flirt.  Phil, Leslie's son, has picked up on this so much that I see his little heart turn into a romantic.  He has his first crush and is already treating her with such respect and being an overall gentlemen.

      If you're dating after loss and have children at home, remember this, you don't have to choose between your future and your children.  Healthy relationships make room for both.  The goal isn't to protect your children from every difficult emotion.  That's impossible and trust me, they have already been maturing through the wide range of emotions they are already feeling.  The goal is to walk through those emotions with wisdom, patience, honesty, and grace with a Christlike heart.  Our children deserve a dad who is carefully shephering their hearts as the Good Shepherd leads His life.  That is one of the most important acts of love that you can show your children.