Writing Your Chapter Two: "So You Want to Date a Widow/Widower"

 Writing Your Chapter Two

So You Want to Date a Widow/Widower

      Have you ever purchased a product with a warning label that just made you scratch your head?  I don't adhere to the theory of evolution, but after reading certain warning labels I think we might be devolving.  Let me share with you a few humorous warning labels.  Some hair dryers have a warning label to not use it while you are sleeping. I have never thought the two would be a good combination.  An adult Superman costume says that the costume does not enable flight.  A wheelbarrow has a warning that it should not be used on the highway.  This one caused my brain to create a very unique image.  A chainsaw has a warning to not stop it with your hands (some actually mention other parts of your body, but I'll leave that to your imagination).  But probably one of the silliest is a warning on a  container of peanuts.  It says "warning, contains peanuts."  Some warnings make you question humanity, but some warning labels are very warranted.  Things like a check engine soon light, or a low tire pressure light, or a warning on alcohol that says not to drive.  This particular blog is a warning light, but not to widows or widowers.

      This is my final blog in a series that dives into the complexities of dating after loss, but this article doesn't focus on the person who is grieving, but instead the person who is debating if they want to date the grieving person.  The goal of this article isn't to discourage, but to enlighten.  Dating a widow or a widower adds some really complex layers to falling in love, some things that are unexpected and can be jarring.  But before we dig into the warnings and caution of dating a widow or a widower, let me first tell you thank you.  Thank you for being willing to step into a story that didn't begin with you.  I'm sure you have already started realizing that or are feeling that.  It probably has dawned on you that you are entering the middle of a story, a personal story, a complex story. Thank you for seeing someone not simply as "a widower" or a "widow" but as a person created in God's image who still has love to give.

      But before you step into that relationship, there are some things you should know.  The goal of my blog is geared toward men, but the title widow and widower for the purpose of this article can be changed out easily. Dating a widower can be one of the most beautiful experiences you'll ever have. It can also be one of the most complicated.  One moment you think you finally understand the man you are falling in love with, and at other times, because of their grief, you wonder who are they.  The reason why it's complicated isn't because the man is broken beyond repair or that he is incapable of loving someone again.  A matter of fact he probably has a lot of love to still give, but grief changes people.  The man isn't who he used to be either.  He is fluid, still searching who he is at this stage in his life.  And that's ok.  The man whose story once seemed so sure, a future that seemed to bright is gone.  He now has to rebuild from the ruins and you just might be able to play a part in the reconstruction of his life.  It will be hard, emotionally tiring at times, but it's very worth it.

      There are stories in life that we didn't choose.  We didn't pick how they would end or go.  Unlike divorce, a widower didn't walk away from his marriage.  Death interrupted it.  I do want to go down a small rabbit trail for a moment.  Grief is different depending on your experiences.  Divorce is a terrible grief to bear.  I come from a home that was ravaged by divorce, so I understand the pain of watching people's marriages all apart and end on a sad note.  But the loss of a spouse is different, I would even say deeper.  I'm not downgrading grief from divorce, far from it.  It's very legitimate, but it's also not really comparable to death.  I once had a person say that their grief from divorce was worse because their spouse was still alive, at least yours died.  I felt my anger rise because I would rather have Tiffanie alive then dead.  Our goal isn't to 'out grief' another person, but to respect each grief as unique and different.  Divorce grief is different than death grief, and from personal experience, I think death grief feels worse.  Why?  Because the vows that I said 'till death do us part' were fulfilled....but in the most painful way imaginable.  I didn't stop loving Tiff because I wanted to or any choice of my own.  I kept my vow until I couldn't any longer because death came into our life.  If you are meeting a man like this then you need to know that you are not simply meeting just another man.  You are meeting a man whose heart has survived one of life's deepest wounds....and he's willing to try again....to put his heart out there for another potential death do us part again.

      I mentioned this in an earlier article, but competition is good in some areas of life.  I love sports.  I love watching two teams compete.  But some areas of life shouldn’t involve competition, and dating a widower should not be an area of competition. If you are looking at dating a widow or widower I imagine that one of the greatest fears you have is wondering whether you'll always live in someone else's shadow.  There is a truth that needs to settle deep into your soul....his life wife will always matter.  He may still smile when he tells stories about her.  He may still cry on anniversaries.  Certain songs, holidays, or places may stir emotions that seems to come out of nowhere and can be unnerving for you.  Maybe even make you question how far he is down the road of healing.  But these aren't problems to be fixed, they are part of how he embraces and remembers his past.  You can't come in with a hammer and tape measure, instead you simply need to lovingly walk alongside him.

      In those moments you might wonder, in the deep recesses of your soul, that he might not love you as much as his first spouse.  But those moments are not evidence that he loves you less.  They are evidence that he loved deeply and that kind of love isn't erased, even in the fact of death.  Healthy widowers don't replace one love with another.  That's called transference of emotions and can be dangerous.  Instead they make room in their hearts for both.  Let me be transparent with you for a moment.  I personally would ask you to give more caution to dating a widower who doesn't talk about his wife and does not express emotions. If he doesn't mention her, laugh about past memories, cry over what used to be then there's a good chance he is suppressing his grief, which make it complicated.  Or, he's merely transferring his emotions that he had for his wife onto you.

      I live by a calendar.  I have appointments and reminders.  There are certain things that happen on the day each month.  But I grief doesn't follow a calendar.  People wrongly assume that after one year or two, or five, that a widower should be "over it."  Grief doesn't work that way.  It doesn't play by those rules.  There may be seasons where he seems completely fine, but then a smell, a photograph, a noise, a place, or just an unexpected memory seems to knock the wind out of him.  Don't rush to a conclusion that he's not ready to love again.  Don't hit the panic button in that moment, instead wrap him up with patience.

      Another reality check can be if he's a family man with children, because if he is, then you are not just stepping into a dating relationship, you are stepping into a family that was established but now is being redefined.  You're entering a family system that has experienced tremendous loss.  His children might embrace you right away.  They might keep their distance.  Sadly they might even resent you for no reason.  They might think that he is somehow dishonoring their mother.  They might even feel the need to be protective over their dad.  There are so many complex layers and navigating them can feel exhausting and make you question if you want to exert that kind of commitment.  How should you react in those moments?  Raise the white flag?  Instead I suggest to give those precious babies grace.  Relationships are built slowly over time.  There is no 'magic wand' that can be waved to make them love you right away.  It might take a lot of effort and some compromise on your part.  You aren't giving your love to just a man, but his children too.  And they are worth loving and embracing.

      I want to provide a small testimony of how this worked for Leslie and I.  We were both widowed, so our circumstances are different.  We both knew that if we wanted another person to marry that they would have to love our children.  We weren't just intentional with each other, we were intentional with our children too.  She came in and automatically loved my little ones.  Part of her deep love was because she lost her mom when she was 15, so she understood parental loss at such a deep level.  She understood their feelings and heart.  I quickly fell in love with her two children.  I saw little ones that didn't have a dad on earth and I automatically determined to love them as best as I could for all my days.  Our relationship was never about the two of us, but instead the seven of us.  And you know what, it's one of the most beautiful things in the world.

      Don't be surprised if your man wrestles with feelings of guilt from time to time.  That can maybe make you feel insecure, but let me pull back the veil a little bit so you can understand him better.  He might wonder if laughing, loving, or smiling again somehow dishonors the woman that he buried.  He might een question whether enjoying life means that somehow he's leaving her behind.  Sometimes he will even feel guilty for falling in love.  That guilt might not seem logical to you, but let's be honest, grief rarely if ever is logical.  Your brain at time treats grief like a prison break and locks down all the doors.  But instead of taking this personally, I want to remind you that love is not a limited resource.  You might have to gently remind him of that from time to time.

      I'm sure that we have each labored at times to find the perfect gift for someone that we love.  She shopped online, we stood in line on black Friday, we might have even found a bargain on Facebook marketplace.  But can I let you in a on secret gift that you can give to a widower?  By giving them space to remember their loved one.  Not to compete, not erase her memory, not to stop every story and say I've heard that one before, or to ask him to move on.  The gift you offer him is to build a future while honoring what came before you.  Ironically, the most secure you are in your relationship, the less threatened you'll feel by the woman who is no longer there.One of the greatest gifts you can give a widower is allowing him to remember.

      I've give you a lot of information about how he's feeling, but I haven't really addressed what blinking red lights that you need to pay attention to when dating a widower.  There might be loud alarms going off in your head and you should heed those.  Dating a widower and providing him grace doesn't mean that you throw caution to the wind and you ignore some serious issues.  You can't go into this blindly and it can't be just you making sacrifices.  Healthy relationships are give and take, compromise.  Wisdom demands that you don't accept emotional unavailability.  Grace doesn't mean ignoring unhealthy patterns.  That is abusive grace, and the person it abuses is you.  He cannot be constantly comparing you to his late wife.  He cannot expect you to be someone that you are not.  He needs to be able to clearly distinguish who you are and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. You need to be cautious if he cannot speak about the future.  You deserve a happy future.  Every conversation cannot circle back to the past.

      Those are all warning signs that he might need more healing before pursuing a serious relationship.Grace doesn't mean ignoring unhealthy patterns.  Loving a widower doesn't mean that you become his counselor.  You cannot become his emotional support human or become a crutch for him.  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is encourage him to seek professional help.

      Starting a new relationship will give you butterflies and a lot exciting feelings.  But it can also blind you and prevent you from having in depth conversations.  Instead of just talking about how blue your eyes are, or how you love his salt and pepper hair, or talking endlessly on the phone for hours, maybe you want to go into the deeper end of the pool with conversations.  Do not avoid difficult conversations.  You need to talk about boundaries, especially sexual boundaries to prevent 'ut oh' moments in the future.  You need to talk about family traditions, birthdays, holidays, finances, children, and most importantly, faith.  You cannot afford to be unequally yoked spiritually.  You are not a missionary when it comes to dating. Your job isn't to date him back to Jesus.  He should already love the Lord, go to church, and be committed to being a spiritual leader.  Healthy relationships are built on honesty.

      Let me wind down by reminding you that you are not someone's replacement.  You are not called to be someone else.  You are called to be you.  You aren't filling a vacancy.  You aren't expect to recreate a first marriage that ended.  You are writing an entirely new, exciting chapter.  That chapter deserves 'newness' while you seek 'oneness.'  So, if you choose to stay and love a widower, please know that you'll discover that grief and joy can often live together.  Yes, he may cry over yesterdays while laughing with you today.  Yes, he may miss his late wife while laughing with you at the same time.  Those don't cancel each other out instead they co-exist.

      You might discover something beautiful, how precious life can be.  You will find out how a random Tuesday can be a gift.  How loving someone who has learned that love is worth taking the risk, even after loss.  I'm thankful that you would consider loving a broken man and walking alongside them.  Praying for you as you step into this beautiful, great adventure.