Grace for the Grieving: Tools to Help the Grieving

Grace for the Grieving

Tools to Help the Grieving

Part Four

      Grief has a way of making the familiar feel foreign.  You wake up one day in the house, same job, same clothes, same food, same culture, but all of a sudden everything feel different.  Nothing feels like it did the day before.  I remember walking into my house on the night of November 25th, 2024.  That was the day that my sweet Tiffanie died.  Tears form in my eyes thinking about that day.  The heaviness of it rests on my chest as I write this.  I sat on the couch that we bought together.  On the floor was her jug of water.  The home was decorated for Christmas....she decorated.  I knew every corner of that house....and yet it wasn't home any longer.  I had lived in the same area for 40 years, and yet I felt like I was walking in a place I had never been.  Familiar monuments were strange.  Normal speech felt like a different dialect.  Things that I loved and desired faded away.  My whole life was turned upside down in that single moment in which she took her last breath.  

      There is one thing that didn't change for me, but it does for quite a few grieving person.  Their relationship with church.  There is a sentence that pastors hear often after someone experiences a devastating loss, "I haven't been back to church."  Now as a pastor that mind sound like an excuse or an offense.  I had one sweet little widow in one of my churches that wasn't able to come back to church for nearly 6 months.  I struggled mentally why a lifelong member of the church wouldn't be able to come back home.  After losing Tiff I can say that I get it.  I get why church can be a challenge.

      If you are a pastor reading this you need to catch on to a key term, the term is grace.  You will need to show extreme grace to the grieving heart.  I know that grace isn't meant to be abused, and I imagine there are countless examples when people missing church do abuse grace, but a grief stricken heart isn't looking for excuses, they are looking for grace and help.  You also need to show a little bit of empathy.  There might be a practical reason why the person is struggling to come back to church.  One practical reason is that grief is exhausting.  There is a very strong possibility that the grieving person is struggling to sleep, if they are sleeping at all.  At minimum their sleep pattern is off.  Night becomes day, day becomes night.  Time just seems to blend together.  And yet another reason why they haven't been back to church is because they don't want to answer questions or have people staring at them.  They might even be tired of being asked "how are you doing?"  Or, it could be because sitting in the same pew that they sat with their loved one is too hard right now.  They can't sing, they aren't ready for it.

    But sometimes there is another reason.  One under the surface.  One hidden in the depths of their soul.  Maybe they aren't sure they belong there anymore.  Their faith has been shaken.  Their anger toward God has grown.  They've stopped praying.  They haven't opened God's Word.  They feel like the Holy Spirit is silent.  Maybe they've even resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms.  They've started drinking more than they should.  They've turned to pornography.  They've become dependent on medication or other substances in unhealthy ways.  They've started sleeping all day.  They've isolated themselves.  They've abandoned healthy routines.  They've made choices they know aren't good for them.  They start thinking that they aren't the person that they used to be, that they don't belong in church, or that they are too broken.  This provides you as a pastor to showcase that your church is a place of God.  It gives the church a unique opportunity to be the hands and the feet of Christ.

      As a pastor I wrongly thought of grief only as an emotional experience.  I knew there were elements of sadness, anger, loneliness, and fear.  But I never understood how grief can have a profound affect on almost every part of a person's life.  Because I hadn't been a participant in grief I didn't understand that it can change your sleep habits, how you eat, your motivation, how you relate to other people, how we pray, how we think, how we make decisions, or how we cope with stress.  A person who never drank may suddenly find themselves reaching for alcohol every night.  Someone who always had strong spiritual disciplines may stop opening their Bible.  Someone who once loved gathering with other believers may begin avoiding church entirely.  Someone who has always been responsible may begin making reckless decisions.  Grief doesn't make these things healthy.  But, and I want to stress the word BUT, understanding how someone arrived there can change the way we respond to them.

      There is a profound distinction that I want to make at this moment.  Grace doesn't mean calling sin good.  Grief doesn't give a person a 'sin freely card.'  Showing grace to someone who is grieving does not mean pretending destructive behavior is healthy.  You don't turn a blind eye or ignore the patterns that they are developing.  Pastors don't need to tell someone that their unhealthy coping mechanism is okay.  They don't need to redefine sin.  They don't need to ignore serious problems.  But there is a tremendous difference between saying, "What you're doing is harmful, and I want to help you," and saying, "What you're doing makes you a disappointment to God, so get yourself together before you come back."  One brings conviction alongside compassion.  The other can create shame.  And shame rarely moves a hurting person toward healing.

      Many grieving people already feel like they have to perform for everyone else.  I can't tell you how many times I have used the phrase "I'm okay."  I've told it to my children, my parents, my coworkers, and my friends.  I smiled that winning smile that seemed to convince people that I was doing okay, meanwhile behind those white teeth was a spirit that was broken.  I felt like I could have won awards based on how well I acted.  Grieving people say "I'm doing better' because they don't know how to explain that today is worse and they aren't even sure why.  Grieving people need to be given permission to drop the performance, to remove the mask.  The last thing that they need to believe is that they need to perform before God....or their local church.

      Imagine a grieving widow who hasn't prayed in months walking through the doors of the church.  What should she encounter? Someone who makes her feel guilty for disappearing?  Or someone who is simply grateful to see her?  Imagine a grieving man who has turned to alcohol because he doesn't know what to do with the pain.  Does he need someone to pretend alcohol isn't destroying him?  By no means.  But he also doesn't need someone to communicate that his failure has disqualified him from fellowship.  He needs someone willing to walk toward him.  Church needs to be a place of grace, empathy, and understanding....not quick judgment or harsh treatment.

      There may be a person in your congregation who hasn't been back since the funeral.  It might be easy in that moment to assume that the person doesn't want to come back.  But that probably isn't true.  Maybe they are afraid or worry what someone might say to them.  Maybe they feel awkward.  They might not even want to sit in their old seat because it brings back hard memories.  I've sat with men that are afraid to go back to church because they worry about crying in front of people.  I also met with a widow who was afraid of not crying and people thinking that she wasn't mourning any longer.  It can also be difficult because they worry that walking through the church doors will bring about the heavy emotions of loss all over again.  Sometimes grace looks like a pastor saying: "You don't have to explain anything. We'd just love to see you."  That sentence can be an open door.  That is the job of the pastor, to create open doors, not close them.  Create an environment that has no pressure, not a lecture, a zero expectation that they need to be better.  They need a simple invitation to come back home.

      As pastors I think we can get jaded from time to time.  Or possibly we allow our position, status, title, education, etc cause use to forget who we really are as shepherds.  We forget simple lessons, lessons like grace is meeting people where they are.  Jesus repeatedly demonstrated a willingness to meet people where they were.  Think of the audience of people that Jesus met with.  He met with the broken, the ashamed, those that were actively questioning, the sinful, broken, poor, rejected, outcast, desperate, even those who are betrayers.  Jesus didn't wait for people to clean themselves up before He came near.  Now, let's not confuse that with being given an allowance to go forward and see freely without conviction or cost.  Far from it.  But it's vital for us to remember that Jesus doesn't leave people unchanged.  The showcase of grace was often the beginning of transformation.  This distinction matters when we are ministering in the fields of someone's grief.  We can't expect a grieving person to have everything figured out.  And yet at times we as pastors set unrealistic expectations on our people.  We think should already be there or be healed or be further along.  But hear these simple words, sometimes what they need to experience is grace...a grace that gives them strength in this seasons of incredible weakness.

      Now you might be in a particular situation where your parishioner has fallen into sin while they are walking through grief.  This is where pastoral ministry can become especially difficult.  What happens when someone who is grieving isn't simply struggling emotionally but is making sinful or destructive choices?  What if they're drinking too much?  What if they've become sexually promiscuous? What if they're using pornography?  What if they've become consumed with anger?  What if they're neglecting their children?  What if they've stopped caring about what happens to them?  What if they're making decisions that are clearly contrary to Scripture?  Do you ignore this?  Of course no.  But the answer also isn't to abandon them either.  Let me ask you a piercing question, does someone's sin make them less deserving of pastoral care?  I don't think I need to give you the answer.  You already know it.  In fact, someone's deepest struggle may be the very place where they most need someone willing to walk alongside them.  There are times when correction is needed, when accountability needs to be formed, moments where boundaries are created, and even seasons when professional help needs to be recommended.  But, and I stress the word but, it needs to be done always in the context of grace.

      A majority of pastors are men and as men we have a flaw at times.  We are fixers.  We want to fix stuff.  That's what guys do.  We don't always listen, we don't always show compassion or empathy.  We see a problem and rush headlong into fixing it, rebuilding it, restoring it.  Grief doesn't work that way.  Why?  Because grief isn't a problem and it can't be 'fixed.'  We can become so focused on fixing someone's behavior that we miss the importance of simply helping them reconnect.  When the grieving person comes back to church they probably aren't ready to serve yet, or get back into Bible study.  They might not want to pray out loud nor will they probably want to sing. They might even lurk quietly in the back pews.  They might be the last person in and the first person out. And you know something, that's perfectly ok.  They are there.  Don't rush to condemn or fix.  Just love them exactly where they are at.

      Let me give you a serious warning in regards to loving those that are grieving, do not rush the grieving process.  We have to be careful not to turn grace into another timetable.  We can say callous things like "It's been six months. You should be back by now."  "You need to move forward."  "You need to trust God."  "You need to get involved again."  Even well-intentioned encouragement can feel like pressure.  Grace says something different.  It says things like "We're glad you're here."  "You don't have to pretend."  "We're not going anywhere."  "You are still part of this family."  "Let's take the next step together."  The goal isn't to keep someone permanently stuck in grief.  The goal is to love them faithfully while they find their way through it.

      Let me wind down with a thought that I want you to mediate on for a little while.  A grieving person may need the church before they feel ready for the church.  Maybe they stopped attending?  They still need the church, and by church I mean the body of Christ, the hands and the feet of Jesus actively reaching out to them with grace and love.  Maybe they are angry at God.  They need the church.  The person who's fallen into sinful behavior still needs the church.  The person who is doubting and their faith is crumbling still needs they church.  They don't need a lecture, they don't need another theological explanation.  They need the body of Christ to do exactly what it's created to be.  To be the body of Christ.  The body needs to mirror Jesus by telling the broken hearted that they don't have to hide, that they don't have to have everything figured out.  That they are loved and that you will walk alongside them one step at a time.

      Jesus told the story of a shepherd who went after the one sheep that had wandered away.  That picture is especially powerful when thinking about grief.  Sometimes the sheep doesn't wander because it doesn't love the shepherd.  Sometimes it wanders because it's wounded.  Sometimes it gets lost because it doesn't know how to find its way home.  And sometimes the person who is struggling the most is the person who is most convinced they don't deserve to be welcomed back.  The shepherd doesn't stand at the gate shouting instructions.  He goes looking.  He reaches out.  He carries.  He restores.  And when the wounded sheep finally makes its way home, the response isn't: "Where have you been?"  It's: "You're home."  That my friend is one of the greatest tools a pastor can offer someone who is grieving.  Why?  Because the church should be one of the safest places for a grieving person to admit that they aren't okay, that their faith is struggling, that they made some choices that they are ashamed of, that they have no idea how to do life now, and that they are consumed by fear.  Your response matters.  You need to tell them in word and deed that they are valued and loved.  That you will walk with them.