When Gratitude Feels Impossible

When Gratitude Feels Impossible

      The month of November is the opening season for people to share the things that they are grateful for.  You can scroll on social media and you will be flooded with people giving something that they are grateful for each day.  But let me be transparent with you for a moment.  The month of November is incredibly brutal for me.  November will probably always have a little bit a darker hue to it.  The reason why is because in November 2024 my late wife Tiffanie's health crashed, all of her treatments failed, and we had to slowly watch her fade away until she would meet Jesus.  The month of November was filled with doctors appointments, hospital visits, bad test scans, heavy conversations, telling our kids that she was going to die soon, and then telling them that she did pass away.  I have a million things in this world to be grateful for.  God has done so much healing.  He provided me with a new spouse, an expanded family, and a clear burden for ministry.  I can count my many blessings, naming them one by one (I bet you hummed the hymn when you read those words).  But despite so many new blessings and nearly two years having passed by, I still find it challenging to give room for thanksgiving.  Yes, November is a season that reminds us to be thankful, but it's hard when you have to tie a season of thanksgiving with a season of loss and grief.  It's hard to reconcile those two seemingly conflicting emotions.  

      This season of Thanksgiving is on display each morning.  I work an hour each day at my kids school.  I help in the daycare system.  I get to walk the precious little children up the hallways to their classrooms.  There are paintings of turkeys, pilgrims, and more yummy food then you can count.  There are also bulletin boards filled with children writing what they are grateful for.  I will never forget my youngest third grade year.  It was a few days between Tiffanie passed away.  He wrote "I'm thankful for my mom and dad."  It crushed my heart.  But for most people we begin seeing Thanksgiving decorations, families making plans, grocery stores filling their shelves with holiday favorites, and social media filling with reminders to count our blessings. We're encouraged to slow down, reflect on what we have, and appreciate the people who make our lives special.

      But what happens when the person you're most thankful for is no longer here?  What happens when the holiday season arrives and all you can think about is the person who won't be sitting across the table? When the traditions you once looked forward to now bring tears to your eyes? When everyone around you seems to be celebrating, but your heart is struggling just to get through the day?  For someone experiencing grief, November can be a difficult month.  Or it can be how I described it earlier, brutal....almost cruel.  My first Thanksgiving without Tiffanie was just a few days after she passed away.  It was about missing her so much.  The second Thanksgiving wasn't so much about missing a person but missing the future that we were meant to cultivate.  This third Thanksgiving without her still makes me struggle to be as grateful as I know I should be.  Death and grief have a way to clouding the thankfulness of our hearts.

      I have made the study of grief my life's pursuit in ministry.  I've learned some very valuable lessons recently.  One is that we need to understand is that being thankful and being heartbroken are not mutually exclusive.  Do me a favor.  Read that sentence again.  Now read it again but not just with your hearts, let it rest in your heart and soul.  When you first read that thankfulness and a broken heart aren't mutually exclusive you might feel like they are indeed mutually exclusive.  And to be fair, some moments they are, but they don't have to be.  It's harder to discern those two when we hear people talk about how blessed they are. We see families gathered together. We hear reminders to focus on what we still have rather than what we've lost.  Now those reminders may come from a good place, they can sometimes leave a grieving person feeling guilty.  A grieving person feels guilty for not feeling thankful enough or not enjoying the holiday or wishing that things were different.  Some even struggles when good things happen in their life in the midst of grief.  Grief is a complex emotion.  But I want you to hear me out for a moment.  You can be thankful for your children and still desperately miss your spouse. You can appreciate your family while wishing another family member were still alive. You can recognize the blessings in your life while acknowledging that something incredibly important is missing.  You don't have to choose between gratitude and grief.  It's not like of those tests in school where you have to fill in the bubble for the correct answer.  Grief and gratitude can exist in the same heart.  It might not always feel like a perfect balance, but they can coexist.

      One of the things I think we sometimes get wrong when talking about gratitude is the idea that we should somehow find something positive in every painful experience.  Grieving people hear phrases like, "Everything happens for a reason," or "Just focus on the blessings."  But let that sink in for a moment.  You are telling a person who is missing their person that there is a blessing.  It might be true, but for the person who has lost their loved one it feels like you are diminishing the reality that death and separation hurts.  The absence of someone who was woven into the fabric of your everyday life hurts.  And here is a beautiful thing, God doesn't expect us to pretend something otherwise.  The Bible is filled with people who experienced deep sorrow. David cried out to God in anguish. Job wrestled with tremendous loss. Even Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus.  Our faith doesn't require us to deny our pain.  We don't have to put a smile on our faces, hide our tears, or convince ourselves that everything is okay when it isn't.

      I will be transparent though.  When you experience the loss of your spouse you will find that your heart of gratitude does indeed change.  Your gratitude might looks different.  Your gratitude might not be found at a crowded dinner table with a perfectly prepared meal.  Maybe it will be found in something much smaller.  Maybe it's the friend who checks in on you or the family member who sits next to you asking you how you are doing or maybe even the unexpected memory that makes you smile instead of cry.  Sometimes gratitude isn't a feeling that suddenly washes over us like a tidal wave. Sometimes it's a decision to recognize the small things that are still good, even when so much of life feels broken.  Please hear my heart on this, you don't need to manufacture gratitude. You don't need to force yourself to feel something that isn't there.  Please give yourself grace.

      As Thanksgiving approaches, I want to offer a different perspective.  Maybe this year doesn't need to look like previous years.  Maybe you need to change a tradition. Maybe you need to step away from the noise for a little while. Maybe you need to talk about the person who is missing rather than pretending their absence isn't being felt.  You might even need to take a break to cry.  None of these things makes you less grateful.  You can wish with everything in you that things were different while still recognizing that there are people, moments, and blessings worth holding onto.  Grief changes how we experience gratitude. It doesn't eliminate our ability to experience it.

      1st Thessalonians 5:18 reminds us: "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  Notice that Scripture says to give thanks in all circumstances. It doesn't say to be thankful for all circumstances.  There is a huge difference and it's worth noting.  We don't have to thank God for death, illness, heartbreak, or the pain of losing someone we love.  But, and I stress the conjunction here, even in the middle of those circumstances, we can look for evidence of His presence. We can be thankful for the love we experienced, the memories we carry, the people who walk beside us, and the hope we have in Christ.  God isn't asking you to pretend your heart isn't broken.  He's not asking you to be an actor and read a script.  Instead He invites you to bring your broken heart to Him.

      So, as November unfolds and the reminders to be thankful become louder, remember this: You don't have to be thankful for what happened to find things worth being thankful for.  You don't have to forget what you've lost to appreciate what remains. And you don't have to stop grieving to begin recognizing the goodness that still exists in your life.  This Thanksgiving, give yourself permission to feel both.  Because gratitude and grief can share the same heart. And even in the midst of our deepest sorrow, there is still room for hope.

A Moment to Reflect

If you're walking through grief this November, take a moment to consider these questions:

• What is one thing you are thankful for, even in the midst of your grief?

• Is there something about the upcoming holiday season that you're dreading?

• Have you given yourself permission to experience both sadness and moments of happiness?

You don't need to have all the answers. Sometimes simply being honest about where you are is a meaningful place to begin.